u/New_Perception_4164

Canadian here applying to the states, not sure what the landscape is like for stuff like this in the US med system.

Im going on a trip to the Middle East (think of the bordering countries around a certain nation where tons of refugees are in tents all around) and help providing aid to families there. The money isn’t my own and it’s what I’ve spent months fundraising. I get the whole humanitarian aid thing can be seen negatively especially if you’re paying for it, but I’m just distributing the aid I worked hard to fundraise to families that really need it.

I was debating including it on my application as it’s supporting refugees from an area with a lot of controversy and I don’t know what Adcoms would perceive it as.

I’m wondering about what heartbreak means if you were involved in a haram relationship. M21 here.

My intentions started as halal 100% but we were coworkers and got attached at work. She wasn’t that religious but after meeting me she started changing herself like dressing modestly, praying, learning about the Quran. I wanted to marry this girl and get families involved. We decided that for now since we’re in university, we should cut contact and wait a little bit. But then turns out she had lied about her past (previously she had told me there was no physical relationship and it was years ago, and then she tells me it was 4 months before meeting me and very physical). This broke my heart and at the time I was taking medications that had backfired and gave me crazy depression and anxiety. I took some time to myself and reflected. She then reached out again a month later and mentioned she was going to umrah. Obviously I was very happy for her and when she left, I took time to decide if I wanted to truly pursue her. I came to the conclusion that I shouldn’t judge based her past, and see her for who she is now and what she’s trying to be.

I genuinely thought this girl was it. I made tons of dua and istikhara but when she came back, her attitude had changed and she basically said I was too influential and she wanted to figure out her life for herself. This meant ending things with me for now. This was a complete 180 as she was always desperate to marry me. This is the second time I’m completely destroyed again.

Then we got into contact again months later, we tried again to get families involved but then she started dressing immodestly again, hanging out with guys, but worst of all she started being extremely disrespectful and rude to me. This time, I decided I was done and I didn’t want to be treated like this anymore. Ive always been a leader in this “relationship” but also kind and respectful. I asked her what had changed on her end, and she said she didn’t feel emotionally safe with me after she saw my “depressive episodes”. Alhamdullilah I’m fine now, but honestly I don’t know what to think of this and what I could have done.

To say I’m heartbroken is an understatement. I understand I should have avoided attachment to begin with, but once I realized we were attached I tried to make it halal. A lot of people tell me that Allah is trying to direct me somewhere else and to something better, but why would he do that when I was sinning in this relationship? I got attached to someone I shouldn’t have, and had to deal with all this. What’s the guarantee I’ll get something better?

I did condense a lot of things here because I don’t want it to go forever so I apologize if it was poorly written, but basically she’s back again working with me this summer, and now I’m constantly reminded of what happened. Just in a constant state of anxiety is the best way to describe it. I don’t know what the Islamic remedy to all this is. The way I’m processing this is that, each time she broke my heart, it was worse than the last. It’s funny because it’s like Allah wants me to stop pursuing her and the only is way is if she hurts me. It’s like I’m getting signs, but I just kept pushing.