u/New_Life_Startr — reddlx

My life is off the rails. I just… I just realized that Im an addict. Like I guess I always knew, but it’s taken me years to realize - I will burn everything down in my life for my next hit of brain candy.

I’ve got a few days clean, and am scheduled to go to rehab tomorrow. I should have gone earlier this week, but the ride situation didn’t work out.

My girl (ex now) definitely still loves me. She bought me all the supplies I need for my 30 day stay, and brought me across the state to do what I need to do. But I hurt her so bad, guys. I fucked up so bad. And now I’m all like “oh no - it’s the consequences of my actions.”

I don’t even know where Im going with this. I just realized that I may have lost something that is so precious and hard to find - and I have no one to blame but myself.

Dinner is a large coke. Im at the movie theater right now about to watch Super Mario Bros.

Im so tired of living like this. My life has completely gone off the rails. I read an article about how scientists hooked up an electrode directly to a mouse’s pleasure and reward part of the brain. The mouse could push a lever, and would receive small quick shock of pleasure. The mouse would just push the lever, over and over again, refusing food and water and other mice company - just pushing the lever until eventually it passes out.

That’s me, Im the mouse. Im just pushing the lever over and over again. Im terrified that I will chase this fake chemical feeling until there’s nothing left of me at all. Just a hallow shell of what I used to be.

Sorry for being so dramatic, but that’s how I feel.