Hi all,
I’ve labeled this NSFW because it includes a lot of themes that may be triggering to some people. Please, do not continue to read if you are triggered by certain sexual themes because this post will cover a lot of them.
So, I (M23) met my best friend (M24) who I’ll refer to as Steve about 10 years ago online. We met each other through mutual friends gaming and soon figured out we are incredibly similar to each other. He has level 1 ASD which I was also diagnosed with during our friendship. I am yet to meet anyone else who I can relate to on such a level. We talk almost every day and regularly stay up late just talking about our interests or certain philosophical topics that we can’t really talk to others about since we’re both really interested in that stuff. Hes also the only person I know who can relate to my struggles that involve ASD, which is also why this whole thing is so messed up.
Now that the background info is covered, here’s what happened. The other night we were playing games as we do and I started to talk to him about my childhood and my dad (it came up in conversation somehow and I was going in depth on some pretty intense stuff from my childhood). My dad has changed a lot in fairness, but Steve basically says something like “yea you know it’s weird how it works like someone could affect someone so strongly and/or traumatize them but I’d like to think that maybe he feels remorse” (I’m paraphrasing so don’t get too caught up on the specific language). He then leads into something like “I’ve done some really messed up stuff one thing in particular that I’ve never told anyone and I’d like to think I’m better than just my worst actions”. I kinda shrugged it off and jokingly said “dude no offense but I have a feeling that your idea of doing something really messed up is way more tame than most peoples”. I know this sounds condescending but I meant it to comfort him because he was clearly really bothered.
He then starts to hint, because now I’m curious, about what this horrible thing was. He mentioned it could ruin his life if certain people found out, but that I’m his most trusted friend and that’s why he’s saying this to me. Then he goes back and forth about wanting to tell me or not tell me and I eventually pull it out of him because I was starting to get a little freaked out by the fact that it was implied it was something sexual that he had “done” to someone else. So, here it is.
When he was 17 years old, he engaged in sexual activities with his 14 year old sister. He said he was lonely due to being homeschooled and that he messed up but that it was consensual. This went on for months until his sister made a comment to him about only doing it because she thought it was what he wanted, and apparently he broke down realizing how bad he fucked up and it ended then and there. He said nothing of the sorts has happened since and although his sister was pretty angry with him for a while they’re better now. (I’ll circle back to this because he clearly traumatized his sister and I’m worried about there still being a power dynamic thing going on)
Okay, so at the time I think I went into a bit of shock. I’ve heard stories of children doing weird stuff with their siblings before they understand sex and stuff and sort of blew it off like “yea dude I think that’s normal for kids to do stuff like that”. But the important thing here is before they understand, like under 12 years old. So I go and sit on the couch after the convo and it really starts to sink in wtf he just told me. I feel disgusted with myself for trying to blow it off but all I can think is I was trying to rationalize it because I was so shocked. Next day I told him we needed to talk and that’s when I really started to tell him that what he did was fucked up and I don’t even understand how something like that even happens. I told him to forget everything I said the day before because I don’t even think I fully understood what he was telling me. I asked him a bunch of questions about it to try and make sure his sister was no longer in any danger and that there wasn’t any coercion or r**e involved in the original incident (not that it makes it right at all but I was trying to do my due diligence first and foremost; if I suspected anything could happen again I’d be telling someone in my life and not Reddit).
After the second talk I told him I needed space to figure out wtf to do, because I still don’t think I’m processing what he told me fully. Not only is the most messed up thing someone’s ever told me, but it’s my best friend, the one person I thought I had in this world. Selfishly I’m devastated because I feel like I lost him. We share the same friends and do the same stuff with them and it feels so weird now. I’m holding this secret he unwillingly dumped on me and I can’t tell anyone.I don’t even know what to do. He told me that he felt like I deserved to know because he wants his best friend to be able to decide if I want to continue the friendship knowing the full truth. Please I just need anyone to help me figure out where to go from here. I can forgive a lot of things and I’m a firm believer anyone can change, but knowing something like this not only makes me see him differently but almost makes me feel like I have a moral responsibility to end the friendship or else I’m excusing what he did. I’m also still concerned about his sister, because they are very close but I worry that there’s still a weird power dynamic going because he mentioned that in hindsight she really looked up to him and still does. It feels so weird to even talk about this and I understand how absurd it sounds but please any advice I’d so much appreciate it.
TL;DR: Best friend told me that when he was 17 he engaged in sexual activities with his sister for several months. I don’t even know how to begin to process something like this.
EDIT: This got a lot of attention. I just want to say I am not favouring any opinions over any others, and value everyone for sharing their experiences and perspectives especially given the sensitivity of the subject. I think I’m going to see some sort of therapist as that seems to be a popular opinion. I also want to add we share all the same friends. My options are either to distance from him and lose all my other closest friends, which has happened to me once before and led to a horrible mental breakdown. The other is to betray his trust and expose his secret to justify my separation so I don’t lose my other friends. I understand what he did was creepy and predatory, but inflicting that on someone who’s my best friend regardless of how horrible a thing is going to be painful to say the least. Also I have not spoken with his sister vecause I feel like I would come off creepy if I did so. Why would she trust someone who’s best friends with the person who did this to her? I don’t know it’s a sticky situation.