u/New_Description5446

My partner is telling me how deeply he loves me,I’m the love of his life that he wants a future and a family with, and how he’s desperate to change to save our relationship. He says the porn actually means nothing to him but I mean everything. He said that sex with me was special and meaningful to him. Can that really be true when he’s been emotionally cheating on me for our whole relationship? He claims he had no idea porn would hurt me this much and that he never thought it would be a problem, that it was like entertainment for him. How could he be doing this for our whole relationship if he really loves me as much as he says?

I posted a few weeks ago when my partner admitted that he’s a porn addict, following me finding a bunch of porn on his twitter. He claims to have deleted all of what he called an “extensive collection” of porn that he had download across his computer.

He then ended up seeing a psychologist twice but he hasn’t followed up again, after he apparently erased everything I found that he had actually been paying for these sexualized streamers after he admitted to being a porn addict, so after he supposedly stopped everything, I caught him paying for this sexualized content.

I confronted him and he lied straight to my face about it twice, so when I showed him the proof I had and told him that our relationship is over, he said that he just panicked so he lied. He says the whole reason he has this addiction in the first place is because of his childhood trauma, and that’s what caused him to lie to me about paying for sexual content as well.

Now he’s basically begging me to give him another chance.. he keeps crying and trying to convince me that he’s still the person that I fell in love with. It makes me feel so guilty for wanting to leave him… but I honestly have no desire to work on our relationship now. I can’t tell him this but I feel disgusted by him, and even everyday things, for example a comment about my swimsuit makes me feel so uncomfortable, it’s hard for me to imagine ever being intimate with him again.

Yet he’s insisting and making all of these promises that he will definitely change and I won’t find anything like that ever again, I can have access to all of his devices, that he will be more loving in our relationship. So many promises, but it’s hard for me to believe it and I feel like I don’t have the energy to even put effort into our relationship now.. am I wanting to leave a good man who will actually change? I was so completely hurt by all of this but now I feel kind of numb..