How do I handle my dad's self-victimisation?
Hi, I'm 22, I've never used Reddit before but I'd like some advice on how to handle my dad because as supportive as my friends are, they're just as stumped on what to do as I am. This will be quite long and I'm also dyslexic, sorry in advance!
I think I had a pretty normal childhood, my dad's always had issues with making himself the centre of attention and acting out at strangers. An example that’s emblematic of his behaviour: every extended family get together my dad would have a dramatic and public argument with someone. This would derail, usually the final day/hours, of the family event and make it so I and my mum felt the need to apologise as we were leaving (he does not feel this need). He then would talk about how poorly he had been treated and how awful the other person/people are. It wasn’t just family though, every airport my dad would pick a fight with someone and presents it as a moral battle (the lack of seating was inhumane, that man was being rude…). It isn't even that his justifications where wrong, per say, just that he goes way overboard and loses effectiveness. It becomes more about him than the issue.
He was never ever aggressive or violent towards me or my mum though. In fact he constantly talks about how proud of me he is and how lucky he is to be my dad. Outside of his more self-centred or dramatic tendencies, totally normal loving dad and we got on great, he was always very funny, encouraged me, and it wasn’t unusual for my friends growing up to tell me the where jealous of how fun my dad was.
Fast forward to now, my dad had an affair that was deeply unstable and unhealthy, it ended, my mum is staying with him, and he's getting counselling for his trauma. Throughout the affair my dad's self-victimisation was really intense. Any discussion about the hurt he was causing in what I perceived to be an unnecessary and immoral way would result in him saying he "couldn't keep living for other people", that it isn't his job to protect me now I'm an adult, or that I only see him as a father or less an object and not his own person. He also overshares about his mental health when making these points, for example mentioning feeling suicidal or having familial trauma that's quite dark. I have attempted to set boundaries that this kind of stuff isn't appropriate for me to hear as his child. He semi-accepts this until we get into discussions about my feelings, then he says he believes it's necessary for me to understand him and who he really is and that he can't hide anymore.
Post the affair we can't have a conversation about how I feel without him saying "oh, so you think I'm a terrible father" which I am not at all trying to say. Although in some guilty moments I do feel it, as horrible as that is to say. I have stopped initiating discussions about the affair or his actions during it, because it's pointless and only upsets me, Unfortunately I can't always predict what discussions will set him off. My mum mentioned her sister, my dad dislikes her quite significantly, and I tried to say he has a problem with her because he interprets her behaviour as malicious but I stupidly said it like, "I think this is a you problem." This led to him saying he's the family scapegoat and he's always attacked by us but my aunt is passive aggressive and we let her get away with it. I feel like I always have to agree with him or he takes it as a personal attack, when I express this he says it isn't true, just that he gets emotionally dysregulated and that I shouldn’t push him when he gets like this. I would understand that if we could discuss things more calmly later but there is never a later that doesn’t result in the same reaction. Then we usually end things with a mutual apology for both upsetting one another, but it doesn’t feel resolved?
There is also something very disturbing about how he treats my mum of recent. During the conversation about my aunt my mum started to say something and my dad suddenly and unexpectedly turned to her and said, "will you just shut the fuck up." It came out of nowhere and I was completely stunned. Embarrassingly said nothing about it in the moment and tried to just move on. I have never seen him talk like that to my mum before. He also later said about an activity we were doing "everyone expected me to be the fuck up but it's actually you" to her and then at breakfast, "I just hate you." He was completely serious when he said it. I haven't shared this part with my friends as it feels very heavy and it feels so out of my control I don’t think there's anything I can do. I spoke to my mum and she seemed unconcerned, she didn't remember him saying anything like that.
It's all very confusing for me and understand it's unhealthy but I have no idea what to do. If anyone knows any helpful resources or suggestions that would be really helpful.