I (25F) have been with my boyfriend (28M) for a little over a year. Early on in the relationship, I told him I wasn’t comfortable with ongoing contact with exes if there were still unresolved feelings involved. He agreed and reassured me many times that he wasn’t in touch with his ex anymore.
Over the course of the relationship though, there were a few moments where my intuition felt off. I asked him directly multiple times if there was still communication happening and every single time he swore to me there wasn’t.
Recently, I found out that wasn’t true.
I discovered that they had still been in contact on and off behind my back, including on emotionally significant dates. There were also previous situations in the relationship where trust had already been shaky, and each time I forgave him because he would cry, apologize, say he was confused, and promise me he didn’t want to lose me.
The hardest part is that outside of this issue, our relationship feels incredibly close and loving. He calls me constantly, wants emotional closeness all the time, says I’m his safe place, talks about a future together, etc. Sometimes when we’re together it feels like we’re best friends and partners at the same time.
But then there’s this other side where I feel emotionally drained. A lot of the relationship revolves around managing his anxiety, reassuring him, calming him down, and trying to make him feel secure. Whenever I bring up my hurt, somehow the conversation shifts back into his emotions and fears. I’m starting to realize I’ve spent a lot of time understanding him while not really feeling understood myself.
My friends think I should leave because they see repeated lying as the actual issue, not the ex itself.
I think the part I’m struggling with is that I can see he’s not an evil person. I think he’s emotionally messy, avoidant, and probably still attached to parts of his past that he never fully dealt with before getting into this relationship. And because I can understand why he did it emotionally, I keep questioning whether I should be more compassionate instead of walking away.
At the same time, I don’t know if I’ll ever trust him again after being reassured directly so many times.
Has anyone been through something similar? Did trust ever genuinely come back after repeated dishonesty about an ex, or did you eventually realize you were staying because of attachment and fear of starting over?
TL;DR:
Boyfriend repeatedly promised he wasn’t in contact with his ex, but I recently found out he had been talking to them behind my back for a long time. This isn’t the first trust issue either. Outside of that, the relationship feels very loving and emotionally intense, which is why I’m struggling to leave. I can understand why he did it emotionally, but I also don’t know if I’ll ever trust him again after so many reassurances and lies. Trying to figure out if this is something that can genuinely be repaired or if I’m just emotionally attached and afraid of starting over.