Hi all, looking for advice for good agreements going forward in this situation. It's a complex poly situation and we should not have endeavoured on it plus I wish we didn't make the mistakes we did along the way. Can't go back so how to avoid more harm going forward?
I tried not to include all the details, but its still long, apologies. It comes down to: my nesting partner (Julian) and I both developed feelings for a close friend of mine (Bethany). Earlier they both decided they didn't want to persue a relationship between the two of them because it would be complicated. But we were hanging out a lot of the three of us and we had very nice energy. We were all working on bringing more touch into our lives including friendships. On a party night, we had a moment with the three of us that felt very special and intimate (later turned out that Julian and me felt that way more than her). Because I soon after was abroad for a while, Julian ended up talking to Bethany about these feelings with her without me (with my consent). She said she was up for developing this. They started developing something between them two while I was away, which I was okay with as long as they kept me informed and involved. The information they shared quickly changed (from it being nonsexual romantic to next time we see each other we want to explore sexuality) which made me anxious. They then decided to wait. When I was back we talked and I found out that Bethany had romantic feelings for Julian, but with me felt friendship and she would see if something more could develop. For me this felt like rejection and not in line with what was shared before. I therefore did not want to go through with a triad idea (bc I'm afraid to touch women who are not good at communicating their boundaries). They did continue with their romantic and sexual relationship and we stayed close with the three of us, which went very well for a while. Later on I felt like I was getting mixed signals and Julian told me that Bethany was interested in sexual exploration with the three of us. However, when I tried to talk to her about my feelings for her, she was always unsure about hers for me, which made me insecure.
Some conflict happened between Julien and me, with Julian talking to Bethany about it which was not good bc she felt in the middle of it, and issue between Julian and Bethany completely separate from me, the result was that Bethany became more distant towards me. Which seems very unfair. Also when Bethany was in a bad mental state and needed more time alone, she didnt share with me what was going on, but she did with Julian. I respected her space and waited for her to reach out to me again. Which she didnt but she did have contact with Julian. This made me feel abandoned and excluded. I didnt share this as soon as I felt it because it felt whiny in comparison with her heavy stuff. Julian mentioned to her how I felt, bc I shared it with Julian, and asked her to reach out to me. She refused bc she didnt like that Julien told her what to do. Later she did ask to talk and I expressed how I felt. We also talked with the three of us, but I didnt feel like my feelings were really acknowledged by her and she didnt offer a solution, she still said she didnt want to see me the next month, only maybe call. I did agree I should have called to let her know my feelings instead of build up resentment. So next time I felt this again, I called her. However, it didnt change anything, in fact she was still angry at me for a misundrstanding that I thought we already solved. she als kept getting triggered by me, also by Julian, but she kept seeing him and they worked on their issues even with a therapist. Meanwhile, I was still being kept at a distance. What I did wrong is vent about this to Julian and I wished I didnt do this.
Only once I lost my temper at her did she even realise how I felt. And since then I dont feel like she did an effort to repair things, besides agreeing to call on scheduled times, after I said I didnt feel like she could be in a poly relationship if she wasnt able to bring up basic respect for me and maintain our friendship like we agreed at the start. And then in contact she still got triggered when I tried to explain how I feel about stuff.
Im really sorry for this long message, its hard to explain it in short. We are talking through everything with the three of us, the problem is also in not understanding each other and having very different needs; especially me finding out im autistic and really need consistency, also in what is being said to me, and her going through trauma stuff and not being able to offer that and getting triggered if i point out an inconsistency.
So I will communicate that I need distance from her to process my emotions and not get hurt more. and the relationships need to become completely parallel. I don't want to hear anything about her and their relationship, not have Julian share anything about me to her either. Only if its about practical / planning things. In the end its the opposite of what I wanted, on top of everything already feeling unfair. She expressed last time she wanted things to go back to the loving homely touchy feeling we had going on but I already told her that won't be possible.
Tips for agreements to avoid further hurt and conflict?