u/New-Secretary-4924

Previous post https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/1sr1so6/i_broke_up_with_him_so_he_wouldnt_have_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

A few weeks ago, I posted here about breaking up with someone because I was overwhelmed by the shame of my "messy" life.

I had lied by omission about a few things and I truly believed I was "protecting" him by ending it.

Well, I didn't actually walk away. I convinced myself that because I was "messy," I didn't deserve a real relationship and since he's unable to define what he wants and I'm scared to assurt my wishes, I just went along and thought if I just played the role of the "cool, low-maintenance" partner, I could earn his trust and stop being the "burden" I thought I was.

I’ve been auditioning for him, trying to be the perfect, effort-free woman so he wouldn't realize I’m not "partner material." I finally decided to test the waters with something incredibly basic and I asked him to add my iCloud email so we could share photos/videos more easily. I have been a decade apple product user up until four months ago.

My new phone is an old android (he's an apple user) that I was just trying to use my iPad to share photos clearly with him. Sometimes I can't even send photos, it times out and when they go through, they're blurry. It felt like another hurdle I was forcing into our dynamic, and I hated even having to explain it. I was so desperate to feel like a real person in his life and I thought a simple photo-sharing workaround would somehow bridge the distance. Being embarrassed to ask for such a basic connection was a necessary sting. I believe though it finally showed me how hard I’ve been trying to manufacture a bond he has no interest in building.

Me: "Can I ask a weird request?"

Him: "Yes"

Me: "Can you please add me to your iCloud? [email address] I want to see if this works..."

Him: "Add you to iCloud?"

Me: "Can you text me from your iPhone to that email address? I believe it should work..."

Him: "Email text works for sure for iCloud users."

Me: "Just pop my email into the field you would someone's phone number.

Maybe not 😂

Oh well it was worth a shot, sorry ☺️

After ten minutes he tried to change the subject.

Him: Did you take a shower

Me: No not yet I was waiting to see if you added me

Him: Take a shower. You will feel better after a busy day:)

He wouldn't do it. When I pushed further and asked if he was hesitant about me having his email, he texted me this.

Me: "I feel fine, may I ask if are you hesitant about me having your email address? My reason I asked was because up until a few months ago, I had everything apple and simply thought it would be a nice way to send higher quality photos and videos... But if you're unsure I understand."

Him: "I just want to give it time. I have rushed things in the past. And then feel bad when things didn’t work out. Believe me, I like you and enjoy the time we spend together. And crave for more."

I apologized! I actually apologized to him for asking for a way to connect that didn't involve a motel room and a burner-like distance.

Me: "I understand and I guess I don't feel the same about my email address as you do (maybe I should be more careful myself) but I'll have to respect that. I truly meant nothing malicious."

Him: "I believe you! And I understand where you’re coming from. There is nothing wrong in what you expect and asked. Just give it sometime 😊... I am sorry you feel disappointed. We will work things out with time."

I didn't text him the rest of the night just said" "goodnight sweetie"

I’m finding the actual process of detaching from this loop incredibly difficult. I still catch myself wanting to reach out, even when I know the response will just be another 'wait for time' script.

What should I do? Is asking for his email truly too much to ask when we've have very sexual intimate times together for 2 months? I also do not know his last name, I don't know where he lives yet he know where I live it's way to asymmetrical!

Help me process, please! And keep me busy so I don't text him today! 🤗

Tomodachi Life