Is anyone out there? You! Yes, you! Stop, please..can’t you see me? Can’t you hear me?
I’m alone in a twisting cavern with paths that decide where they are going in real time. It’s dark and they suddenly twist and turn. You can’t plot a course. There is no pattern. Nothing is known and anything is coming. A mist that breeds confusions permeates the landscape. Expert mode to the most extreme level and on repeat.
I thought that I could navigate this forever. I didn’t think it was a limited supply or unsustainable. I didn’t realize it was something my body could not and would not keep up. That it was keeping score this entire time. It’s angry and I couldn’t really blame it. I never really gave it much thought. My thoughts were always everywhere else. Now in protest they consume me. Highjacking my entire operating system as I stand at a pivotal point where I can leap and end all of this noise for good or I can drag myself.. to where or to what? I couldn’t tell you. I could be going in circles for all I know. I can’t see, after all. I think of leaping again and again but something I can’t question (and I question everything) says keep going. Keep moving. You’re close. You’ll know when you see it and this will all make sense. Just keep going.
I did keep going and I have for a very long time now. I’m gutted and everything I have invisibly endured is beyond any kind of cruel or unusual punishment. Everything is too loud and everything hurts. I see malice and spite. I see ego and embarrassment and rage reflected back at me and it consumes me. It rattles around my insides like a hollow cage. Long enough for me to absorb it. I didn’t create. I didn’t want it but it’s mine now. Whether I want it or not. I can’t hold it all. I’m overflowing. I can’t place it. I can’t direct at anyone. I can’t get it out and so it internally attacked me. My vision blurs. Warped like the landscape, I misstep. My hand betrays me as I go to brace myself and I fall. I panic. For some reason jumping is one thing. That was on my terms. Falling was another. I’m determined but it’s gone too far. My hands won’t comply. My vision is blurred. My heart is exploding and my ears are bleeding. I feel my way slowly and inch by inch. And I’m rewarded with a stunning view of a vast and empty abyss. I take a long deep peaceful breath and try my best to savor the air rushing through my hair one last time.