u/Nevermorenevermore_

When I was around 7, I got sexually assaulted by a childhood family friend who is a year older on several occasions. She would make me show her my private parts and show me hers and touch my chest. The first time it happened was at her house, where she took me to her parents bedroom. I remember feeling confused and knew that something wrong is happening, she told me to be quiet and I cried a little but she would say that it’s what grown up’s do and would bring up kissing and intimate scenes from movies. Then it became a thing where she’d take me to secluded areas whenever our families would visit each other, do the same exact thing, and I just accepted. I feel angry that I still hold that against her till this day, and can’t think about her. What’s even more messed up is that I also did the same to two of my cousins, both 2-3 younger than me. And given my experience, on one hand I understand she was likely also doing something that’s someone else told her, but on the other, after thinking about my anger towards, I feel increasingly guilty that I did the same to my cousins. The first incident was when I was 8 and my cousin was 6, I kissed her and touched her chest. The other incident was when I was 10 was my other cousin who was 9 where I did the same exact thing. And now I’m horrified by my own experience and the fact that I did that to another person. And both of my cousins have anxiety disorders and I’m pretty sure it’s my fault. As for the childhood friend, I haven’t seen her in years.

Now as an adult, I’ve always had a weird relationship with sexual stuff, but I also grew up in a conservative society. I have always hated being touched near my neck, shoulders and legs and my reaction when somebody brushes up accidentally is to punch or hit. When sat in crowded cars, I always hated when people would brush up against me. I also hated when doctors would check on my breathing in the hospital or use a stethoscope and it made me feel violent, and I wonder if it’s because of my experience. It’s a weird crushing feeling every single time like I want to hit someone. I have no idea if I’ll ever be able to be intimate with a partner.

I also feel disgusted by myself as this is probably what my cousins feel like and I feel so angry at myself for it and don’t ever want to see them again out of guilt. I’ve had some memories of all of my experiences but I’ve been shoving them down until recently due to some nightmares that I’ve had the last two days. Ever since then I’ve been on a TikTok binge watching videos about COSCA and I am spiraling tbh. I have no idea what to do and I don’t think that I can live like this anymore. One of my cousins, I hung out with earlier this year and we seemed to get along just fine, but she revealed that she’s taking anxiety meds and ever since then, I can’t help but overthink all of our interactions. Does she remember, and if she does why didn’t she bring it up or confront me or anything. I recently found out through my mom that my other cousin is seeing a therapist and possibly taking meds and I feel so disgusting and monsterous. I don’t know if I should tell my parents or their parents or what to do.