This took me a year to finish... Why? I was afraid of the horse's face and didn't have the courage to face such menacing, diabolical stare... But no more, no more i say! THIS HORSE SHOULD BE DECIMATED. (second pic is ref)
This took me abut a year to finish. Why? Because i was too afraid to finish the face. Yes thats it. I may be stupid... (second pic is ref)
I don't do drugs or weeds or anything, just drew bs cuz vibe. (2 is base and 3 is an interesting-ish screwed attempt. I was gonna do a few more variations for style with less/no depictions of unhealthy habits n themes but i didn't have the mental energy to do multiple at that moment so i did this.)
I don't do drugs or weeds or anything, just drew bs cuz vibe. (2 is base and 3 is one of the interesting-ish screwed attempts. I was gonna do smt black and white (maybe goth idk?) or smt more cheerful at first but didn't have the mental energy to do it all seperately so i tried this instead..)
Im tired. Tired of thinking "maybe im exaggarating? Maybe im ungrateful? Maybe it's not theur fault? Maybe i can be more forgiving? Maybe I SHOULD NOT FUCKING BE ALIVE??? Why am i even alive at this point. When my own skin feels stranger, when my mom's so "lovely" touch makes me disgusted to the point i can't even press my face against a pillow because of what it reminds me of, when i realise my own weaknesses and remember how they used to cover them, why am i living? If i cant even feel ANYTHING properly, what better am i than a robot that envies the world it will never get to see?(i have no mouth type shi) except.. IT ALL FEELS OVERWHELMINGLY DISGUSTING AND I DONT EVEN WANT TO THINK, TO THINK THAT THEY WERE THE ONE WHO LOVED ME FIRST, AND PERHAPS WILL BE THE LAST. I WANT THEIR "SENSATION" GONE. THEIR MEMORY, THEIR PRESENCE, I WANT THEM ERASED FROM MY WORLD. I DONT WANT THEM DEAD, THATS NOT WHAT I SEEK. death is not for their's to embrace. Its peaceful. I dont wnat them to experience peace. I want them gone. To nothing. Not even nothing, just erased from any means of existence. I dont want to be able to think or remember them. i wish they would be gone forever like the fake god they tied me up with, suffering until it's puppeteers are dead. They dont let me go. They dont let me sleep. They dont let me feel, anything but disgust and grudge. Im full of it, yet i can't put it on anyone or anything. I cant harm an inanimate object without guilt, how come do i do the same to SOMEONE? I can't. I dont want to, either. Im okay with it. But they dont think the same. They hurt and hurt and bind and torture and still have the guts to play the victim. Victim? Me? Haha never. Im always the guilty, the scapegoat, the object. The object they use to enforce their pride and hope onto. I dont want it. MY SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS IS NOT YOURS TO FEEL OR SHARE. IM NOT A FUCKING TROPHY. I DIDN'T DO IT THANKS TO YOU, I DID IT DESPITE YOU. IM NOT YOUR FUCKING TOY TO ENTERTAIN WHEN SAD FOR YOUR BLOODHOODS WHOM YOU ACCEPTED INTO YOUR WORLD DESPITE KNOWING THE CONSEQUENCES. IM NOT YOUR GODDAMNED THERAPIST TO SHOW YOU THE WAY. IM NOT THE FATHER NOR THE MOTHER OF MY SISTER. WHO IS THE PARENT HERE, ME? But hey, they give me the bare minimum to live after many many opportunities they wasted to live slightly better, right? It's okay becuase they are my parents right? Its all good. Because they love me. They love me. Yeah they suuuurely do. Love so much. May their love be tossed into the fucking hell they see us worthy of. May their "touch" be spikes that pierce through their organs, leaving them breathless and pale like i am all the time. And yet, my stupid, idiotic, broken brain keeps wondering if there's any chance of forgiving them. Sincerely fuck this brain. Fuck it's mercy. Fuck it's emotions. I dont want to feel. I dont want to get better. When i do, i forget. I forget all the things they have done to me, i forget my hatred. I want to remember and hate. They dont deserve to be forgiven. I dont want to be reminded of this. Not again. I dont want to be hurt again. But i know they will, for i am still not able to be independent THANKS TO THEM, ONCE AGAIN. ROT IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL AND BE COVERED IN RED I CANT EVEN EXPRESS THIS MUCH HATRED AND I FEEL IT IN EVERY MOMENT. IM TIRED. I BARELY HAVE ANY PRIVACY TO BE MYSELF, LET ALONE CRY. I HATE THESE PEOPLE AND HAVING TO LISTEN TO THEIR STUPID YELLINGS. THEIR EVERY OUNCE OF NOISE KICKS MY WELLBEING TO UNDERGROUND AND IT ALREADY TAKES SO MUCH TO SURFACE IT. I DONT WNAT TO BE IN FIGHT-FLIGHT EVERY MINUTE. I WANT TO SLEEP AND I CANT. IM NOT ALONE AND HAVE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME, BUT I WISH I WAS THE RANDOM TREE THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT IN A FOREST. I LONG TO BE LOST. I HATE TO ADMIT IT, BUT NOWADAYS I WISH I WAS DEAD OUTSIDE TOO.
Dandeliwunkus cuz my only friend left me at the worst possible moment. Art by me