No longer fearing hell has made my prayer life EXTREMELY honest and I think that's proof itself that universalism is true.
Ever since considering the evidence, thinking through my position, and landing on universalism, the walls have come down. I no longer hold back. My prayer life is brutal.
And it's more honest than it's ever been. Never has God gotten the full weight of everything I've been carrying with no regard for how it comes across. I've also started using she/her for God because I had an abusive mother and need that energy. I've used tarot as part of my prayer life, not as fortune telling but as reflections on things in my life (the themes of the cards are very thought provoking). I've quit going to church because I saw through the emotional manipulation and cannot stomach most of the modern theology. I've studied the bible more than ever before and am making connections and discoveries I never imagined.
If God truly wants a real relationship with us, as is crystal clear in the bible, how can she expect anyone to be honest with her if she holds eternal annihilation or conscious torment over our heads? Don't get me wrong, I believe in judgment and that there will be punishment for sins, that much is clear. But I believe that punishment is finite and meant for our benefit. So how can anyone seriously believe God is love, God will punish people forever, and their relationship with her is valid? It's Stockholm Syndrome at best. They're loving someone who will torture or kill them without a second thought if they stop loving them. That's not love. That's abuse.
Jesus never said the people who are rejected by God were told they never loved her. They were told they never knew her. Knowing someone has nothing to do with positivity. Hating God is knowing her. Screaming at God is knowing her. And if God truly is as relational as we believe, I think she'd rather hear a completely honest "I hate you" than a coerced "I love you."
If universalism isn't true, God doesn't love us and we can't truly love her. So I think the honesty is itself fruit of a real relationship. And I think some people really need to hate God for a while, to be openly hostile to her, in order to be able to love her. Any framework that threatens eternal punishment is telling us not to be honest and not to have a real relationship.
It's the middle of the night, but those are thoughts I've been having for a while. I hate God right now. I also love God. But right now, I need to hate her to love her. I know that doesn't make sense, but I'm lonely and right now, a divine punching bag I can scream and swear at is more valuable to me than someone I have to perform reverence for, and that's more intimate than performance anyway. The lack of fear has made it possible to get this close. I just wish everyone had this freedom.