If you were in my shoes what are you doing to do?
I'm currently 19 years old. My father left us for this mistress when we were, 2, then, my mom died when I was 6 years old. I had one sibling, she was only 5 when our mom died. After that, we were raised by my grandmother alone. She's always away during the day. So, basically, I am the one who raised my sister, and myself. I teach her to read, write, and everything else I learned from watching other kid‘s parents taught to their children. One thing I was proud about myself, was I managed to raised my sister as very smart, gentle, and respectful. But, these years I noticed her being so rebellious, causing our grandmother to always collapse out of anger. So, I started to hate her, and neglected her. I could always say “I rather want you to d#e, so my grandmother could live longer” something I always regret now.
One time I only brought her to the hospital, her case I thought was just something not so serious. I am used to the hospital, it felt like second home, because I bring my grandmother alone at the hospital at least 4x a week due to her illness. So, i wasn't anxious at all. I was also able to talk to her during the noon, she was so energetic, she was staring at my face for long. I asked the doctor when can we go out, because I have an alone elder at home waiting for us. She said, I should call my parents. I said have no parents. Then she asked me to call any legal adult I know. I asked her 'how's the situation of my sister' she always refuses to tell me. She said she needed to put my sister to the ICU. I thought, it was just a room where they needed a test that time. I was so naive. I never thought it was already that serious. But, no one has told me about her situation. After my aunt arrive she told me to take a nap for a while because she knows I am hungry and exhausted. So I accidentally fall asleep. When I woke up, they told me my sister was already dead, and the nurses and my aunt said she was calling for me the entire time “ate, ate” they said they don't want to disturb me because they knew I am so exhausted. But, they took the moment where I would be able to see my sister for the last time.
On this picture. I messaged my father again after 2 years of no contact to remind him of my sister's death anniversary and to ask for spare money, because, I am left all alone taking care of my bed-ridden grandmother who is already showing signs of dementia. But, his response without emotional consideration for my sister (his blood and flesh) it added more salt to my wound. Because, this message of his is the slap reminder that I am all alone in this fight. He has already new complete family. He re-married his mistress. Spoils his current situation. While, me, being his first child. Completely abandoned and in the verge of giving up. What is even the purpose of my life?