loneliness hurts
I am 24 years old. I lost my father at a young age. My mother passed away last year. I wasn't saddened by her death. After my father's death, she made my life miserable. After her death, the truth I had been trying to prove for years by going from doctor to doctor finally came out: I had been diagnosed with BPD.
In conclusion, the 23 years of torture did not end, even though she died.
Now I have a relatively comfortable life. However, the coldness of my relatives towards me after her death hurts me. It's as if her death was my fault, or as if they've never been able to accept me since birth.
I have a relative. We've spoken only 2-3 times so far. She messaged me, I replied, and she just read it. That's how the conversation was every time. What crime could I have committed to warrant such a complete lack of reply, even of a single word? Or, are you so disgusted with me? Why? What is my crime, my sin? What did I do to deserve such terrible treatment? I haven't been able to sleep for two weeks because of this.
I can understand being rejected by a stranger. Whether we're friends or lovers, ultimately, that person was once a stranger. They weren't in my life before, and they won't be now. Ultimately, this is their personal choice, and perhaps it doesn't even have anything to do with me. But for people who have responsibilities towards you to distance themselves like this... it really makes you feel incredibly worthless.
If even you won't accept me, who am I supposed to try to make like me to?