u/Mountain_Resident_81

My dad passed away a week ago unexpectedly and I’m feeling pretty flat. On the go at the moment are Things In Nature Merely Grow, One Of Us: The story of Anders Breivik, and The Hundred Years’ War On Palestine - so as you can see I could use some balancing humour…

I don’t mind fiction or non fiction.

Ones that have made me laugh before:
- A Walk In The Woods
- Sorrow And Bliss (also made me cry)
- Why Can’t I Just Enjoy Things
- Anne Of Green Gables
- All Creatures Great And Small

… apparently not many. Send me your funniest! 🙏🏻

Hi all, hope this is okay to post here. I have a refillable pen I use to draw which uses capillary reservoirs, and the nibs are like a fineliner tip which push into the capillary, usually 0.05 or 0.1 mm. Am I right in thinking that Diamine watercolour inks would be fine for this? They have such a lovely wide range and seem very reasonable. I don't think there's anything that could be ruined per se as the tips are all replaceable. Thank you!

Hi all,

Unsure if this is the right sub for this sort of topic but feeling very isolated around this situation and hoping for some kind and rational advice.

My dad recently died after a traumatic and rapid decline from cancer. The whole experience was incredibly overwhelming and I feel like my nervous system has completely imploded since it happened.

I have a long history of childhood trauma from my estranged mum, and my dad was neglectful throughout my childhood. We weren’t super close in adulthood, but I still loved him and his death has affected me. My relationship with my stepmum has also been very difficult for as long as she’s been around, including being kicked out at as a teen. She is emotionally volatile, drinks heavily when distressed, and most family events eventually become focused on managing her emotions and fears of abandonment. My dad never stood up to her but now it feels she’s even more able to act how she wants.

Immediately after dad passed I felt myself psychologically regress around the family system. When I said my husband and I planned to leave the family home after a couple of days, my stepmum became cold and hostile and said I was selfish because there was ‘so much to do’. I instantly went into complete fawn mode, over explaining myself, trying to calm everyone down and offering to stay and help. I felt like a frightened child again. In the morning she decided she didn’t want me there at all and said to leave, that she ‘wanted to be alone’.

Since then she has ignored my messages and attempts to help. I’ve repeatedly offered to take things on which have been ignored. She has also completely taken over organising dad’s wake. Everything I suggest in the group chat gets ignored or shut down politely, decisions have been made without asking me or my sister for input, and the whole thing increasingly feels centred around her. I already know that once all this settles down I will likely be going no contact with her because I can’t keep functioning inside these dynamics. I constantly feel flooded, hypervigilant and trapped back in old trauma states where I’m managing everyone her emotions and abandoning myself in the process. I’m sure my dad passing means my bandwidth is particularly low.

My struggle is I now feel deeply conflicted about attending the wake at all. The thought of going makes me feel physically anxious and emotionally unsafe.
At the same time, I’m extremely sensitive to what extended family members will think if I don’t go. I know there will likely be a narrative about me if I’m absent and I’m struggling to separate genuine desire from fear, obligation and image management.
I think what’s confusing me most is that if I remove the fear of judgment, I’m not actually sure I feel positive about going. It feels less like something meaningful for my grief and more like something I would endure to avoid being seen negatively.

I suppose I’m asking whether anyone else here has navigated funerals/wakes or grief inside dysfunctional family systems where attending felt psychologically unsafe. How did you know whether you were protecting yourself appropriately versus avoiding something out of overwhelm? And how did you tolerate the guilt and fear of being misunderstood by family if you chose not to attend?

Really welcome any advice or insights. Thank you for your time reading.

Note: ChatGPT helped me organise my thoughts here - so exhausted.

TLDR: My dad recently died and I’m unsure whether to attend his wake because difficult family dynamics are making it feel emotionally unsafe. I can’t tell whether wanting not to go is healthy self-protection or trauma-driven avoidance and fear of family judgment.

Mid-30s here and honestly feel like my life has been completely dismantled over the last few years, and I don’t really recognise where I fit anymore.

In a short space of time: I was diagnosed autistic in my early 30s (which has been a huge, ongoing process of re-evaluating my entire life and grieving my capacity and what I thought 'should' have been). I’ve had three ectopic pregnancies, two of which were almost fatal, and I lost both fallopian tubes, so I’m now infertile. This also left me with disability and long-term health issues, meaning things that used to bring me the most joy and grounding (long-distance hiking, multi-day trips, being outdoors) are now basically out of reach. We moved out of our home to live with my MIL so we could pursue IVF (genuinely one of the worst decisions I’ve made), only to then find out I’m too high-risk to even go through IVF. I’m coming to terms with child-free - there are moments where I can picture my life and it feels very hopeful, even exciting. But my husband always really wanted children, and he’s finding it much harder to adjust. On top of that, his family constantly monitor my husband for signs he's okay and make comments that are just… well. Things like 'I’ve been watching adoption videos all week!' or 'I just wish he could have the one thing he wants' (yup, for real). It’s relentless. (Trust me I have set boundaries, over and over).

At the same time, my dad has been diagnosed with late-stage acute leukaemia. He’s been in and out of hospital with sepsis, and we don’t know if the treatment he’s started will work. Realistically, we’re probably looking at less than a year. Work has also been a mess. I’ve been dealing with bullying that escalated into a formal complaint and internal investigation, and it has effectively ended my career (probably for the best, goodbye academia). I’m now having to think about retraining in something that actually works with my health and being autistic, which I'm sure will eventually be a positive shift.

And then there’s friendships, which might be the thing that’s tipping me over the edge right now. One of my closest friends has a now toddler - who would have had the same due date as my first pregnancy - and she just doesn’t have space for me anymore. Not even a quick voice note. And when she does VN, it’s just 'I’m so busy,' she has 'no tokens', with no questions, no interest in my life. I do get it, I know parenting is exhausting. But it hurts. Another close friend is child-free and knows most of what’s been going on, but hasn’t really checked in either - just sends me 10-minute long VNs about how busy she is with her business. And I just feel myself getting increasingly angry and hurt about it. I’ve spent years showing up for my friends, listening, being present, really my chosen family, and it feels incredibly lonely now with everything I've had on.

Maybe it's me. Maybe often people don't know how to handle grief well. Maybe some of this is just hitting deeper because of everything else (and probably childhood trauma). Regardless it also feels like a real shift. Like our lives have diverged really suddenly, and I’m left questioning who is actually in my life in a meaningful way. I’m not looking for perfect friendships. I don’t need constant contact. I just want people who have some space for me too, who ask, who show a bit of interest, who care, who don’t make me feel like I’m the only one putting energy in when everything else in my life already feels so heavy. I have a couple of these friendships, luckily, and they're a godsend.

Has anyone else experienced something like this in their 30s? Where life just pulls you so far away from who you were, and your friendships don’t quite come with you? It feels like some kind of reckoning - like everything is being stripped back and I’m being asked to rebuild, but I'm scared to move forward and don't know how. Any advice?

Thank you for reading my semi-rant and taking the time... I really needed to get this out.

(note: ChatGPT helped me write this, I wouldn't normally - I am just so exhausted).

Edit: typo/detail

TLDR: Life in my mid-30s has completely unravelled (health, fertility, family, career), and now my friendships feel one-sided and like they’re slipping away too.