i wish i didn’t hate sex (long)
this is a rant into the void i’m not expecting anyone to have solutions im not asking for advice - if you can relate or you do have suggestions/thoughts i’d love to hear tho (im so sorry i had a lot to rant about apparently cause this is LONGGG)
I want to have sex and enjoy sex so so badly and i like it in theory but every time I try or someone wants to fuck me and we fool around I hate it and i just want it to be over even when it feels fine or good
i have vaginismus ( involuntary tightening of the pelvic floor that makes penetration incredibly painful or impossible) so Ive never been able to do any form of penetration not fingers not tampons or anything, nothing will go in, i’ve tried so many times with so much lube, when i’m relaxed, turned on, when im under the influence, therapy, everything, it just doesn’t work and it makes zero sense because vaginismus is primarily caused by a mental aspect usually either sexual trauma or anxiety surrounding sex due to things like religious guilt or negative stigmas around sex and female anatomy that kind of thing - i have neither of those i have no sexual trauma and i grew up in an average sex positive house, i had access to the internet i was a horny kid/teen like i was not sheltered or shamed so i cannot comprehend or understand why I am fucking 21 and my body is trying to “protect” me
i wear very revealing clothes my aesthetic is basically -slut- i present my self and act like this i sexualise myself online, i have external vibrators, i’m sex positive, im too comfortable and open talking about this kind of stuff it’s not like im repulsed, i want sex so badly yet physically i can’t have it
AND I want it so badly yet I hate it more than anything, i don’t have a sexual preference for men or women i like both but men tend to either only want sex or at least they want to have it sometimes but i can’t give them that,
and women expect me to be a top or dominant because im tall and come across that way initially but i don’t want to be the top and i can’t even get my own body to work so how tf am i meant to know what im doing with another woman’s body and just personally i am a bottom if i am anything
but sex has always been something that i wanted in theory, even now, i find it hot, i want to have it and feel good and wanted and be close to someone and the idea of being fucked and eaten out and everything is so appealing and i want to be able to just fuck and be intimate with people when i want to
but every time i have tried I just actually hate it so much and im just waiting for it to be over or going through the motions, and even when it’s fine as soon as they leave i just feel deeply suicidal and later i just end up crying and screaming in my car and having flashbacks of what we did and every other time someone has tried to have sex with me and i just feel awful and hollow and i want to die
i used to just go through the motions and do external stuff with people cause i love making out and cuddling and being emotionally intimate and desired and i wanted to want sex and i wanted people to like me so id just try to go with it and do what i could do even though i didn’t want to, but i did want to, but i also didn’t but then my heart got absolutely broken into a million stupid little pathetic pieces like 6-8 months ago and i went off my anti depressants to process the heart break and i haven’t found anyone attractive or wanted to be with anyone since so i’ve given up bothering to go through the motions and doing all the sex shit i hate so much
like when this persistent guy is trying to get in my pants instead of being like fine i’ll touch your dick cause it’s awkward if i don’t cause you’re in my bed and trying to put my hand there i just straight up don’t and i blueball them cause im just so tired of it and i hate it so much and i don’t care if he likes me or not anymore i don’t care (im going back on the anti depressants)
but yes basically im a hopeless romantic and an avoidant attachment bitch who has ghosted every single person who has ever tried to be with me, i get obsessive and delusional and then as soon as things get serious, a few weeks later or a month, a switch flips in my and i am emotionally numb i can’t feel anything for them i just need to get out and the guilt eats me cause i was so genuinely obsessed with this person and openly telling them how much i liked them the day before and the next day i just feel nothing, so i ghost and i have done this since i was like a little kid even with friends, i don’t do it with friends anymore and i don’t know how i stopped ive been in therapy forever and i don’t know how to fix it any of it.
I want to be a lover girl i want to be a whore i want to be able to just find love and i want to like sex in practice and i want to be able to physically have it, and ive always wanted this dream relationship like my entire life for as long as i can remember i grew up watching movies and desperately wanting THAT i want the dating, the relationship, i wanna be someone’s girlfriend because i would be the best most loving and loyal girlfriend who would do anything for my partner i have so much love to give so why is my mind and body in fucking lockdown making me avoidant and celibate when i want these basic normal human things and i don’t have trauma that would cause this and i don’t think im asexual, i don’t understand it’s so frustrating and i’ve had so many breakdowns about it in the past and ive just written the longest rant ever because what the fuck is my life