i’ve tried telling my friends and family about it but i freeze up. i can’t get it out my mouth, i want help and want to tell them but i feel ashamed. like how could i have let this happen to me? i’m terrified to go to a therapist too because my problems feel so self inflicted and the solution was so easy, just stop talking to them?? i feel dumb
i’m scared of my photos being traced back to me because i’ve already had one groomer send me back my address from the photo’s metadata. i don’t want to know if they’re being distributed and im so scared the cops will show up and tell me or my family
i’m an adult now and tried (but failed) to have sex for the first time. it was so fucking awful. it felt like i had a pit in my stomach, i don’t think i was ready for it but i kept pushing myself to do it. it wasn’t like he was being pushy or sexually assaulting me, he literally kept asking if i was okay and reassured me we can stop but i told him i wanted to keep going. it felt like i went on autopilot, i just did what i thought he or most guys wanted. i didn’t want to think what was i okay with or want, i just wanted him to continue liking me. this kinda mirrors my thought process i had while being groomed and i just feel sick knowing i never grew out of it.
we ended up not doing it and stopped because i think he could tell i was uncomfortable or because i kept prolonging the foreplay (because i didn’t want to do the actual thing). he asked if i was okay again but we stopped talking after this. i hate myself. i want to reiterate he did not sexually assault me, i just have issues