Need advice/ Vent/ Talk of medication
I'm a bit desperate at this point
I (21F) had a big burnout at the end of 2024. I started a full time internship and after 3 weeks i was having several meltdowns a day, some of which gave me bruises, i couldnt sleep, no energy, dissociation, etc etc.
after resting for a month with no improvement (and rapid worsening when i had a friend over for 2 weeks) i was sent to a psych ward. At the start i was constantly dissociated, and i could handle maybe 0-20 minutes of noise a day before having a meltdown. I stayed there for 6 weeks and at the end i could handle about an hour. I got out because i was going insane from boredom. I spent the next few months taking it slow. I don't remember well but i think i managed to build up to like 3-4 hours before noise started getting painful and i needed quiet before having a meltdown again. i still had a lot of meltdowns but i think it(tolerance to stimuli) overal went up.
during this time i started going to a psychiatrist. in that year, i was given 10 medications to try out. most gave me bad or paradoxical reactions. in hindsight i dont know if i ever want to touch another drug ever again.
but anyway. the two significant things are these: i was given risperidone. my psychiatrist told me nothing so when i went out and realised it didnt hurt anymore, i thought it was fixed. turns out what it actually does is stop the pain and physical outting of meltdowns, but not actually anything on your tolerance/sensitivity. For three days in a row, i did stuff. nothing outrageous for anyone else, but for me it was way too much.
at the third day i had an appointment for my autism diagnosis, and when i walked out of my house, after 5 minutes, i already wanted to scream and punch every person in my vicinity, but the drugs stopped me, so i figured id "recover later"... stupid. the appointment took about 4 hours and i was dead after it. and then the gig was up and i was once again in that burnout of "every sound hurts". I dont know if im clear on this but i legit mean i would have meltdowns and immense pain from just a minute of sound. it was hard to wash my hands (running water) or even hear my own footsteps.
During all of this i already used earplugs/headphones. I stopped my studies and all work. I rested all the time and just went to church/visit friends 2-3 times a week (an hour or two, sometimes 3)
when i stabilised from that i could handle about 2-3 hours before the pain started and i had meltdowns.
Then i had about 6 medication changes in a month. I was taken off my antidepressant (wasnt working), put on another one, given a sleep med, given adhd meds (helped a lot!), taken off of risperidone(i couldnt stim on them), and given benzos.
I had a paradoxical reaction to the new antidepressants and they once again upped my sensitivity and lowered my tolerance. Every noise hurt again, constant pain, tons of meltdowns, etc, same rodeo as last time. my doc put me on a massive dose of benzos for a month so i had enough tolerance to eat a meal.
Anyway, its now 7 months later. I had awful withdrawal from benzos and it was legit actual hell but its finally starting to ease. The antidepressant is obviously gone from my system now after 6 months. I stopped taking my adhd meds because they stopped working and just amplified the pain. I am currently on no medications.
Ive been doing nothing but resting. And im just... not getting better. I dont work. I dont study. I spend my time doing fun things and being in a dark, quiet room. I get sun in the morning and afternoon, i try to exercise when its not too painful, I socialise 1-2 times a week with someone i dont have to mask with, but its very short because i can barely handle 10 minutes of soft noise before having a meltdown and pain. and then the pain lasts for 3 hours and extra sensitivity to noise lasts the whole day-- and the day after. im mostly communicating through writing notes in my phone and sign language.
I got my energy back. I got my special interests. I'm not hypervigilant anymore, I have the energy to mask (just chosing not to because yeah), I can cook again, I'm not dissociated to survive, I have my emotions, yet i just still can't handle noise. at all. At most 30 minutes, which is about enough in the day to eat lunch, handle the environmental noise that the earbuds dont mask, and eat dinner.
my doctors have been incredibly unhelpful or downright giving me bad advice or dismissing me, gaslighting me, the whole shebang. yknow how it goes. bloodwork is perfect and you just need to do exposure.
I even tried taking my adhd meds again because they worked so well before, but it did nothing, and then i couldnt sleep for 6 weeks! i was only getting 1-2-3 hours of sleep at night. tried 3 different sleeping meds and nothing worked. dont know what that was about.
I just feel stuck and i dont know what to do. I dont understand anymore. I just feel like ive been getting drugged and drugged and they keep making me worse. The first burnout was my fault, from pushing through when i obviously couldnt handle it, but the others werent, and its so frustrating. and now im left in this wake, and i havent been able to recover. i havent been able to go on a walk outside because i cant handle the noise at all (i still hear it with earbuds+headphones). i havent had a proper human conversation with my voice in 8 months!!
I just. I dont know. any advice?
is this even a thing? i dont think ive heard of anyone else, ever, getting their burnout (amplified) by bad medication reactions. I dont know...