TW: Very brief mentions of Sexual Violence in past
While I am a man myself, I am having a hard time with my newest relationship in trying to understand this concept. For context, me and my girlfriend of almost 3 months (We will call her Maria for the stake of this story) are about 10 years apart in age. With that being said, she has much more sexual experience than me, getting pleasure from and pleasuring guys and gals alike. With how I was raised, my ideology is that sex is something that is done with someone you love dearly because you are giving them one of the most precious parts of you.
Having an event of SA very early into my life, this concept was reinforced for me very heavily. Before Maria, I had dated a few people but nothing ever got particularly sexual besides making out and slightly grinding together while doing so (very rarely did this happen too). With Maria, I fell in love with her and became best friends with her far before I started dating her (which did NOT happen with my exes)
I for once felt like I was with someone that was worth my virginity, that I was giving away this special piece of myself that would last forever with them. Most of my friends have had sex and even with multiple partners already into their lives, while I cared little for the fact that I lagged behind in that department. We sexted and sent images to each other over private texts for some time before we had moved in together. She lived far away (~5 1/2 drive) so it wasn’t like I had the ability to see her all the time. The day I moved in was the day before Valentine’s Day, and it was my first time seeing her in a month. It was that night going into the whole day of Valentines Day that we had a very long sex marathon with breaks in between of doing some necessary things. It was frankly amazing, and I had no regrets about losing my virginity and I’m so glad she was the one to take it.
Her past is what confuses me. She has talked about having had sex with guys and girls before, and she had never really enjoyed it with men before me. She, just like me, is a demisexual and can’t feel much attraction for people that she doesn’t love. She has spoken about having had sex with guys and it either hurt or they came too quickly and then called it quits. For all of the men she’s had sex with, it was done out of pity and she saw it as something she could give them to make them feel better. I see her body as a sanctuary, and in my eyes it’s almost violating that this could have ever happened. Not only does it make me feel like sex with her might be fake, but it also makes me worry if she is doing it out of pity for me. She has said several times that she never orgasmed with a man before me, but it confuses me as to why someone would let sex continue when it hurts and/or isn’t giving any sort of sensation due to incorrect motions. She loves me and takes care of me very much, and I am so grateful for all that she does let alone her existence. It’s just that when I hear the stories in the past I get a sickening feeling of what might be. I couldn’t possibly imagine having sex with another person ever again, even though there are some things she isn’t into that I am.
I don’t know if it’s jealousy or something else that I’m feeling, but it’s almost like I wish she was a virgin until the same point I stopped being one. I never feel jealous when I hear about the women she’s been with at all. With the men, it makes me feel horrible. As a man, I’ve unfortunately known other guys who have such a predatory stance on women and that’s the way that I see her male exes in the past. Maybe I’m being unreasonable, but I’ve come here for the perspectives of people who have had sex and potentially with multiple people. It’s not that the sex isn’t amazing, it’s that I’m worried that I will never understand her perspective on sex. I just want it to be as special for her as it is for me.