I feel like absolute trash
(20F) I don't do anything all day, I have nothing to do except cleaning my room which I barely do anymore because I got tired of doing the same thing every day. Im autistic but I wish I didn't get diagnosed because my life completely changed when it happened, I got excluded from school because of it, the principal told my parents to send me to a special school (that doesn't grant highschool diplomas) instead because her school was for future professionals even though I was top 3 in my class and had already won national awards in literature... so I dropped out at 14 and did government exams instead, it was during the pandemic so I guess i was isolated just as everyone else back then, but I never came out of it.
I'm 20 now and I don't have any friends, I don't go outside alone bc I'm scared and don't have anywhere to go, I've tried contacting my old friends but they just leave me in "seen", which now I understand it was dumb to text them because they all moved on with their lifes while I didn't, I don't mean anything to them anymore, they all left town to go to university, while I couldn't even tho I got accepted into the best university there..
All I do is be on my phone... Just scroll and scroll or play some games. I feel so dumb to be wasting my life like this, but I just can't escape it, I've tried everything to overcome my phone addiction, I can't talk to anybody about it either, my parents don't realize my issue and that I'm fcking depressed because I'm on antidepressants but instead of sad I feel just empty now, they just think I'm lazy...
Why couldn't I just be normal...