My grandpa is going to die.
My grandfather is now living with us because he can no longer care for himself. He can't walk down stairs, he can't change his clothes, and he can't even take off his shoes.
My grandfather was always so independent. Growing up he would buy me stuff and carry me around and play with me and my siblings. I can’t express how much I love him. He had nicknames for all of us and now he struggles to remember my name.
Before he would reject my aunts and dad's attempts to move him to our city, so he could be closer with us because he wanted to take care of himself.
Now that he's accepted is when it hit me he's going to die soon.
I've been really fortunate to have never experienced loss before in my life. I'm already crying and imaging my own dad losing his dad and his reaction is making me more sad.
It's the last few weeks of college for me and I'm graduating in June. I told my grandfather while I was holding his hands and kissing them that I'm graduating and he told me he's so happy for me. When I told him I have a ticket saved for him he told me he probably won't be there for it.
I kissed him one last time and then he kissed me and I left the room because I started bawling. I'm so sad and I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know how I'm going to cope.
I can't even think about graduating now. I’m so sick I don’t want to go to classes anymore and I can’t eat. I’m rambling but I feel like I was improving my mental health and I had something to look forward to and this happens and I feel like I’ve been set back.
This whole year I’ve been struggling with my depression and had to get my meds changed and I even started therapy, and made progress in my personal hygiene, school, and life in general.
Now I’m back to square one. I’m having suicidal thoughts again. I’m back to laying in bed for hours at a time and skipping class again. It’s like I managed to fight the darkness for a little bit and then it came back 10 times stronger and it’s dark again.
I already miss him and he’s still here :(