u/MessageFit1801

The way my mom has treated me throughout my life, 6 to 18, has caused me to not only hurt myself and have thoughts about doing so, but now I'm thinking about taking my anger out on animals and possibly people. This is quite new, only starting around 5 months ago.

A part of me, that I'm in touch with, is just emotionally exhausted and broken. That part of me doesn't actually want to hurt anyone or anything, it's just anger and years of being denied to express upset emotions that has nowhere to go.

I wasn't allowed to show I was stressed, overwhelmed, angry or sad growing up, and I was usually told by my mom to "Shut up!" or threatened with physical discipline, keep in mind she was sometimes the reason for my negative emotions. Resulting in my poor emotional regulation, which is quite hard to properly learn as an adult with a history of trauma and who already hates humanity. It's unfortunate that telling your child to shut up and dismiss their feelings is so common and still is today.

To cope with this, I listen to loud music. I don't have many healthy mechanisms when it comes to anger specifically. You know who to thank for that. I kind of don't want to go into detail about these things, but I will if asked.

This is gonna be a long one. I live in the US, At least in my experience with involuntary commitment, they don't actually do anything about trauma related cases or anything that's a constant problem, they just care about how you respond to the trauma/illness or emotions. And what makes things even worse is that they STILL charge you for "treatment" you didn't consent to, that should be illegal. I'm not paying shit.

They just usually:

- Suggest therapy or get a court to order therapy.

- Put you on drugs

- Therapist suggests the same 5 coping mechanisms everyone has heard and tried before that don't actually work long term. 30 minute sessions full of yapping about bullshit

- Basically telling you "Well. It is what it is." and telling you to act normal or else.

They deal with trauma, persistent mental illness, and emotions, with drugs as a long term solution because there isn't much else they can do. Who wants to live like that? Dependant on drugs for most of your life to ease your symptoms? Not me.

They can't do anything about underlying or long term problems, yet when someone find a permanent solution to those permanent problems they have to cope with, they lock them away. So what exactly do they want from people?

Psych wards are also unfair, the other patients have to stop what they're doing, whether it's watching TV or having a snack or playing a game, and go to their rooms because someone is having a breakdown. Why can't that person go to their room instead? And God forbid if its multiple people having breakdowns, that's traumatizing for other patients. Yet they care about safety.

Sorry for the rant, I'm pissed off.