92 days post moving out. 65 days blocked everywhere. 45 days post divorce being final. Almost 3 years together, married for 2. I find myself still battling ruminating thoughts about my ex wife and the ash pile of what was my marriage. Missing and craving her despite being split to final devaluation, painted black and ultimately discarded by her.
Her 45 years old soon to be 46. Absolutely stunningly gorgeous. Great career, beautiful home, vehicles etc. From the outside looking in perfection. But internally an undiagnosed bpd with no self awareness, no accountability, no empathy, leaving a trail of destruction of wounded ex husbands and men. I was her 5th husband and she was my only marriage.
I logically know what I was up against. I logically know what my experience was. I also know after talking to previous husbands that are all really good men that they had a very similar experiences with her.
Emotionally I am still deeply attached. I cannot seem to completely cut the trauma bond. I live in this fantasy world of fake control that I could fix it if I only had the opportunity. I have identified the areas where I legitimately needed to improve as a husband. Though even with those improvements the BPD effects could have been softened but still always present.
Logically I know I was an object, a means to get her dream of a horse farm off of the ground and use of my skills. Once that was close to being achieved it was fairly easy for her to claim I was detrimental to her mental health. Cut off, block and thrown away like trash. I was not loved, appreciated or valued. Why in the world would I crave a person that did this to me? Oh.. thats right I still love her. I want the fantasy of the life I thought we could have together back.
I loaded 2.5 years of texts and got analysis back that I was in fact married to an emotionally unstable person. What I experienced was abuse both mental and emotionally. Like the addict I still want my fix despite all the supporting information and first hand accounts of other men that have walked the same path. I have been effectively erased like I did not exist. Her family knows how she is. She has one brother who is self aware BPD and another who after conversations with his wife is highly likely NPD. Their mother was a monster. All of them experienced childhood trauma. Her father confirmed that he left her mother because he could not take the abuse anymore.
She is going about her life like nothing happened. She has thrown herself into career and her horses. I do know she has dated shortly after papers were filed but I dont think she is serious with anyone yet. Her daughter will be gone for summer so I would imagine my replacement will appear then. I have had interest from women wanting to date me but I know that I am not ready.
I know based on her history I will never hear from her again. Though I still think it is strange that she kept my family and friends on social media. My sister had told me she hearted one of her posts. I know I need to find acceptance that it is over. She is gone.
I just bought a house about 20 miles away to create some distance and also so I am not looking to see who is at her house on my way to work. This is by far the worst I have ever felt from a breakup. This wasn't close to my longest relationship. How do I kill the hope that I will talk to her again? Kill the desire to stay connected in some pathetic way? I have not reached out. I don't post on social media. I have leaned into my faith, found a church and men's group. I talked to several men who came out of divorce from similar type women.
I have hit the gym, gotten back in shape, by outwards appearances I am fine. But I am not. I want my ex wife back even though I would have the exact experience only worse on the "hope" of a recycle which I know will never happen.
Any advice or reading your experiences would be appreciated.