u/Mental_Variety_9737

I'm an idiot. Two nights ago, one of my classmates (wish I could say friend) asked me, out of literally nowhere, if I had ever had suicidal thoughts. The question felt like a bucket of ice water was suddenly poured over my head and I just stared at him in shock. His eyes, his smile became fucking gentler, like he already knew the fucking answer. For context, two years ago when we were barely starting our second year of college, we were kind of friends, or at least trying to rebuild our friendship that had fallen apart in our first year but that's a whole other story- the thing is that back then I felt super suicidal, I was fucking depressed and barely holding on, I was cutting myself and overall doing like shit, and I would ask him everything about suicide. We had lots of conversations about it, but I never said I was feeling suicidal, but I guess it wasn't hard to fucking infere that shit. Even if I never intended or wanted for him to find out, I know I wasn't thinking straight and he probably knew. That brings us to the present. Two fucking years later he asks me if I've ever had suicidal thoughts, and all I can say back is why is he asking me all that, so he brings up the conversations from two years ago and asks again with a soft smile on his face and knowing eyes, I stutter and my eyes are blown wide and I can't say anything and he and I both know that's enough of an answer. I was going to say something I swear, I almost said "yes, I've thought about killing myself in the past and still do every fucking day" but one of our classmates approached us so that we could continue with the project we were working on and the conversation is over. I avoid looking at him for the rest of the night until we're almost finished and getting our things ready to go home when he approaches me again and asks me who Juligan is. For context, Juligan is all the things I hate about myself that hurt too much to accept, so I had to come up with a name to place all that hatred. It's fucking pathetic, and I've said that name out loud before (two years ago) and Idk how he even remembered that, but I felt frozen in place. I just stared at him and asked again why he's asking me all this, and I don't even remember his answer. Now I feel like shit because I really wanted to open up to someone, the perfect chance was right there and I didn't take it. Now I don't think an opportunity like that will ever come again and I regret not saying the truth for once. I really fucking wish I had opened up.