I've been through burnout over a year and a half. it was quite intense. I was very depressed and isolated myself for a year. Before the burnout, I usually felt like an alien, but was able to function quite well, had many friends, mostly due to intense masking and learning the social ques.
However after that burnout, felt like a corpse. I only slept and was barely able to graduate my grad school. Then I moved country to start my job abroad, met a partner, trying to navigate my life here but again crashing hard. I was unable to meet the deadlines, (so going through financial crisis... on supports that was supposed to be possible if met with deadlines. I reached out and they said it is never available to extend due to corporate restrictions; now have to self-fund for the work travels).
I started therapy and medication after a suicidal urge few months ago, and thought I was being a little bit better and finally building some friendships. However, then I go through random shutdowns. It feels like my life is not continuous at all. I realized that I go through shutdown/ burnout phases almost every time I hang out with my partner's friends. Mostly, honestly every friends, randomly. Whenever it's a large gathering, I crash often. However, the situation occurs more often when I am around my partner/ her friends, and it sucks. Whenever shutdown happens, for a few days ~ week I get this strong intense urge of wanting to break up with her and hate her. This is not good for her as well. I don't think it's healthy. I tell her in my best form that it's mostly my problem. Try to make it at least detrimental as possible but it spills out.
I WANT to build friendships ig. and have fun around her friends, they are quite cool. I would have liked to be friends with them in the first times, but now with this repeated random shutdowns/ freeze around them, I sorta don't want to try more atm. I honestly never really get to enjoy any moments being around them fully.
I feel a sense of discontinuity all the time, regarding relationships. I want to build stable relationships, career, become a better, mature, reliable person, but all of them suddenly and randomly feels like going through a rupture and breakage whenever I experience this intense shutdown.
Before this large gathering that I shutdown on, I thought everything was getting better, I was able to chill and enjoy my life, and then this shutdown & frustrating encounter happens and everything I have to pull away and it dismantles.
WOAH ITS FREAKING HARD!!!!! THIS LIFE AS AN INVISIBLE DISABLED(?) PERSON is really hard to navigate. And especially once the strong burnout a few years ago, I can't really go back to just 'flowing' with life. The intensity is insane.