hello everyone,
situations a bit complicated for me (23m) to get into here and not sure where to start, but i want to get therapy and i have been for a long time, for a many things i want to work on. things like anxiety, my relationship with my dad, jealousy, ocd, overthinking etc but whats recently been really stopping me is the talking stage that I had with this one girl.
Without getting into too many details we were essentially talking for a little bit and after about two ish months she was saying some stuff that made me extremely uncomfortable. One thing that she was saying was about another race, a race that I am not and while I appreciate that people have types and that I'm not everyone's type in that regard, the things she was saying felt almost relentless and she kind of kept going on about it. She said something like how much she loves this race and, and then maybe three times about a specific person and how good looking he was, on voice note, and the different things that made him so good looking. This person is a close friend of mine, and she then went on to tell me a story about this guy from her past who she had a massive crush on, again not my race and how good looking he was. It's all been replaying in my mind for a long time. The voice note part found felt really difficult because it felt like she was almost smiling about it and taunting me. I think this part can depend on the context as well, which I don't really want to get into since it's a long story but at least from my point of view and other people that I've spoken to that sort of talking stage for about 2 to 3 months those things felt wierd to say. The other issue is that I'm always in my head and that I think I'm making the above sound worse than it is and other people wouldn't have had an issue with it as she said herself what she said wasn't a problem after we sort of discussed it. I very clearly have jealousy issues and am a little obsessive, which I think makes the above worse for me.
This brings up inferiority and when I try and look for a therapist and I see the same race that she was talking about it just makes everything flashback and I can't get over it. I'm not sure if im overthinking and why it bothers but maybe I feel like they have some sort power of me, laughing at me or that the power balance is in their favour maybe?
there was also something a few years ago when this other girl I was talking to was obsessing over a different race again, different to my own, and I think some of the issue is that maybe I shouldn't be getting so emotional and upset about it, which might stem from my jealousy and OCD issues.
I just end up in this constant loop again and again where I'm almost embarrassed to even talk about this and even now it's really hard to say even to strangers online but I know I need therapy not just for this but other things and I just don't know what to do. I just feel really ugly and things that I can't change like my race keep coming up and there's nothing I can do about it.
thanks all