I apologize in advance for my English. I (F) have been struggling with my identity since I was really young. My older brother came out as trans when I was 9 and I was made aware of lgbtq+. I always respected the community and even thought for a few good years that I'm also trans. But I'm not. I've only been in a single relationship when I was 15, but it lasted only four days because my now ex SA'd me. I have barely any experience in relationships or anything similar to that.
Lately I've been wondering a lot how it would feel like to kiss somebody that respects and loves me.
On new years eve, me and my older friend went to party. Long story short, we both got extremely drunk. She called me a few times out with her for a smoke, but there were other people around. But one time, she told me to go out with her for a smoke and there was nobody there. We were sitting next to eachother and since I was drunk, I got brave and had asked her if she wanted to make out.
(For context, she had told me so many times before that she wanted us to make out, but I always just brushed the comments off with a laugh because I'm shy and thought she was just joking.)
She said yes, that she wanted to make out. And we both leaned in and barely brushed our lips together before we both pulled away with a laugh. I dont remember exactly what she said, but I jokingly told her that we should search up how to make out. And we never mentioned that night again.
Fast forward to now, I've been scrolling on tiktok and came across a trend that's like 'me and my bff when a camera is out on us' or something like that. And there was one video of two guys sticking their tongues out to eachother, really close.
At that sight, I immediately thought of my friend and how it would be like to do that with her. Ive been thinking a lot about that. I also came across multiple similar content like that and imagine myself with her.
I know she doesn't like me in that way and I don't know if I like her in that way. Shes very attractive, yes. But I don't know. I just want to kiss her.