Getting Back Into Dating
Well, I am not sure how to date anymore.
33, transitioned at 28, with most of my dating experience prior; when I was closeted. I dated my now best friend a few years back who is transfem NB. Talking to them about dating has helped me understand that I seem to be demi or gray, which has made dating men even harder to deal with, but I am very rarely attracted to anyone outside of the male range so I just generically default to talking about bf's rather than other partner possibilities.
I have very little experience approaching dating from a non-sexual standpoint. By that I don't just mean sex early on in dating, I mean the flirtations many people rely on, which nobody seems to realize rely heavily on sexual attraction. I have also accumulated my fair share of bad experiences going along with other peoples interests. Pre and post transition. Low self-esteem issues mostly.
Finally feeling good about myself and my identity has stopped me from dating entirely. I don't feel lonely, but there is something missing in my life. Basically the past 2 years has been great for my mental health, but the romantic side of me is telling me to do something before I create a fictional bf to fantasize about. Not just the one off fancies. Running out of romance-esque games/stories I enjoy.
My greater frustration, besides the usual limitations to our dating pools, and my sexual orientation making me confused 24/7, is that I am non-visible disabled. All the symptoms I suffer have made my life focused around managing symptoms for an untreatable condition that most people think is fake because, besides an unnaturally pale complexion, "I look fine".
As an independent person, I don't want/need anyone to take care of me. I do a better job of managing my insane list of nuanced issues anyways. However, it is impossible for me to take care of someone else, which I have been told is a dealbreaker. Although I am cool with ENM, just go get a caretaker type.
Then there is dating apps; horrible. I angrily uninstall them for the scam structures very briefly after trying them. However, my health doesn't give me much freedom to meet people IRL. My condition gives me an alcohol intolerance that has gotten so bad that the last time I took a sip of a drink I spent the next 3 hours sick, and the chronic fatigue means I can't stay out in the evening. So, no bars or social night events. Which is apparently the only time of day acceptable for dating based on what people say/do and the times events get scheduled. I have been called crazy for trying to arrange things during the day, despite the people being informed about my health limitations.
ENM persons have their own sets of issues. Primarily the ones contacting me are just looking to experiment sexually with a soft-entry male because they are scared to be with cis-men and having an existing gf makes them feel safe, or they are trying to find a third to their relationship and they really don't understand how hard establishing two relationships at the same time is, especially when you don't develop sexual attraction until after you are emotionally attracted.
Last sexual interaction I had was with a cis male who kept saying >!he questioned whether he was actually gay anymore because the experience with transmen was so good!<. (Just in case). Got away from that asap. That was, hmmmm probably around 2 years ago. Who knows. I have no sense of time.
I get ghosted as much as the next guy, I don't develop any feelings for some who are interested in me as well. It isn't like my experience is unique, or that I don't have some "options", but anytime I try to vent to my friends because the odds feel extra stacked against me due to my health they get uncomfortable and it becomes a cis vs trans experience for them, or in the case of my bestie, they just shrug because in their words the asexual spectrum doesn't make sense to them so they don't know how to relate. The limitations my health places on me is really what I find destroys my spirit and options the most though. Everything limits the pool, smaller and smaller, but the health limits me.
Anyways I really truly believe that this year will be the year I succumb to my creative passions and design a fictional man. Maybe write a story, or draw him. Anything to get something out of my head. Who knows, but it seems a hell of a lot more enjoyable than dating people nowadays.
I am actually in a pretty good headspace in life, just wanted to be angry about my circumstances in relation to dating. That is my rant/vent, feel free to relate. That or give me some ideas for a fictional bf lol