My girlfriend [20F] wants to possibly leave me [20M] because of my boundary.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 7 months now. She is my first girlfriend and real relationship. We are the same age, 20, go to the same college, and had such a perfect meeting story. She is fucking amazing in every way, beautiful, smart, loving, and makes me so happy. However, there is a
major issue in our relationship.
The only thing we have ever argued over, is her going out to clubs, frat events, and parties with her friends. It is a boundary that i’m uncomfortable with and I don’t want my girlfriend, who is committed to me, to go to clubs and parties like that and getting drunk. She doesn’t think it’s an issue at all and slowly started branching it out more and more like “if I go out with my friends who are guys to these things are you going to have a problem with it”. Or “if I solo travel and go alone to bars and clubs is that an issue”. Yes, It is and it’s something I am uncomfortable with and have made clear to her. She thinks it is controlling that I don’t let her have “freedom” in a relationship. If you’re in a relationship with somebody, in my opinion, you shouldn’t even be doing any of these things that jeopardizes the relationship and makes the other person (me) feel uncomfortable. I even tell her i’m willing to go to these things with her, which I think is for sure reasonable because why do i need to be excluded if nothing devious is happening? She won’t budge and doesn’t want me to be there.
We were trying to compromise and the only compromise she is willing to make is “texting me every 30 mins to an hour that she is safe”. I don’t think that is a compromise that is good enough, and I think is easily going to be forgotten when intoxicated with no sense of time.
She has had experiences in the past going out like this. In a previous relationship she solo traveled to Europe, getting drunk with random dudes she met at a museum and peer pressured into taking a full weed brownie. She blacked out and only remembered one dude taking her home and doesn’t know what happened after that. It’s totally possible she got fucked, and she even acknowledged it by saying “i don’t even know if I cheated.” keep this in mind. Or, when we first got together, I picked her up from a bar and brought her back to our college campus. That night my roommate was really angry and i didn’t feel like sleeping in my room so she offered me to sleep in hers. She had a major crush on me already and was totally willing to have sex that night if I did end up staying (i didn’t). While this happened, she was talking to a dude for about it a month. She was already done with this dude and he was a loser, but it doesn’t take away from the fact she was talking with a dude, went out, got picked up by another guy (me), and was willing to let
me sleep over and have sex. These are serious areas for concern when I think about letting her go out alone, especially with dudes I don’t know and she doesn’t think I need to meet or it’s insecure.
She said she wouldn’t go out to these things that bothered me, and I respect that. But she threw a fit the entire day over losing her “freedom to live” when we are literally committed to each other and the only freedom i’m restricting is going out alone, which bothers me a lot.
We later argued that if she was to go out alone, which I didn’t like, and she got roofied and raped, similar to the story she had in Europe, I would leave her. Putting herself in a position like that to get taken advantage of when you’re in a relationship with me is the exact reason I don’t want you going out. It can happen, and it’s why I don’t want her doing it. However, apparently I am a disgusting person for considering leaving someone who went out, and got fucked (even if they didn’t consent). I have a boundary of not going out alone, if you were raped while being out alone that not only crosses my boundary you put yourself in a situation that endangered you. And that’s not someone I want to be with.
She thinks i’m a disgusting person and pretty much wants to leave because of this.
- Im looking for advice on what other people think of my situation and how i’m acting.
2 (Most important) If someone went out in a relationship when it wasn’t something the other partner was comfortable with, and endured a traumatic event like that, is it reasonable to leave them for it?
- She is the perfect girl in every other scenario and I love her to death so it makes it hard to let her go. Should I?