u/MelodicChildhood7540

Thank goodness all I have to focus on today is being a dutiful cog in the machine of capitalism, because this is my first mother's day after going no contact and whilst I will say it's been nice not having to remember to call her and deal with her , it's also a lot and very hard to accept that this is just the first of many.

Every spare second I have my brain tries to dredge up a good memory I have with her. It's like I'm trying to gaslight myself into ruining my own boundary and sending her a message, but I'm just reminding myself that at any point both of my parents can send me a message telling me that they've gotten into therapy - which was what I communicated I needed to have a relationship with them. If they haven't done so since November I really don't see them doing that.

I just need to remind myself that my mother is probably moping around the house acting like the victim whose two children don't talk to her, and that's good enough for me. It's not a perfect consequence, but at least it's a consequence. And I can try and redirect the good memories and try to plan a way to celebrate myself for essentially raising myself.

So, deb, happy mother's day ya filthy animal. Thanks for the memories, even if they weren't so great. Go to therapy.

I thought I was done posting from the bath but this thing cradles me like a womb and bathrooms are safe due to privacy so it's what I've got as a coping mechanism right now.

I'm not okay. I've been passively suicidal since about November when I learned something horrific about my parents and ever since then I've gone no contact and been trying to face the world with this new horrific knowledge. The world is already difficult enough to deal with, without this new horrific knowledge.

So I'm suicidal. The passive suicidality has turned into self harming again after over a decade of being clean and my partner of 8 years hasn't noticed at all, and if I tell him he's just going to be worried which?? I already work as his carer when im not at my retail job so I don't need him worried about me. I just... honestly if I'm being so real $50K would fix enough of my external issues right now that I don't think I'd be suicidal anymore but nobody is just giving away $50K to a disabled trans guy with two incomes and a disabled partner.

Hence why I'm in the bath. It's a good bath. There's no water in it, and all I can think about is Miss Hannigan and her tub of gin from the original Annie movie. If I could afford to fill this whole thing with vodka just to get through the day, I would, honestly. That's where I'm at. In the bath. Away from anything sharp or alcoholic to use as a coping mechanism for the deep sleep deprived well of darkness I'm convinced exists inside me.

Look, I don't actively want to die I'm just looking for coping mechanisms that distort my version of reality so it's easier to deal with, that's all. Maybe I should get into hard drugs?? I know logically the answer is therapy and getting help from a professional so to be clear that IS going to be the rational action I take, I'm just sick of not being okay and I guess im just screaming into the void here trying to find like minded people that understand what I'm going through.

I'm going to wallow in this bath of self hatred for a little bit longer and then I'm going to go take care of myself and look after myself, because I know that's the best option here. Being unkind to myself and kicking myself when I'm down doesn't help. I just. Want life to stop hurting as much. Or, I want the pain to be physical rather than mental - something I can actively take care of and heal in real time. Hence the harming myself thing. Which I'm trying to stop. (Reminder to self: relapse is a part of healing)

Please if anybody could give me some reassuring words of kindness right now when I'm actively fighting against my want to die, that would be wonderful. Thank you, and I'm sending hugs from my bathtub should you want them.