Okay, so I'll give this another shot since I got 0 response yesterday.
So here's the thing. I'm in a wierd situation, honestly it's a stupid situation. I feel like it's all my fault (although it probably isn't).
Like all good stories in this world it starts with a girl. Not just any girl, but a good friend of mine. I've known her for about 3 years, and we've never been super close although we've been friendly whenever we've hung out. We're in the same friend group (that they established before I was "invited" in), and they've been treating me really well.
So right now I'm studying abroad with this girl and it's nearing the end of the semester and all that. She had a boyfriend when she came up here, and I never really thought about it or saw her as anything more than a good friend.
About a month or so ago (a bit more) they broke up, and I were there for her as her friend and again never thought of her as something more than that.
Some weeks ago our entire class went on a week of field work and I don't know why, but something... changed. Her smile looked different and she felt closer somehow. On the way back we had to take a 14 hour boat ride and to pass the time we watched a bunch of movies. At some point she started cuddling more up to me and slept on my lap at certain points.
I felt a shift in the way I saw her, but I spent a lot of work and power trying to convince myself that there was nothing.
(For context I haven't been in a relationship for 2,5 years soon from my own choice. My last relationship was choppy, and ended in me broken in way too many ways to feel like I trust my own feelings again. At this point I honestly associate the feeling of butterflies in my stomach with fear and a sense of dread more than anything)
But regardless as time went on we hung out casually in our shared kitchen like usual. We watched movies with our friends and her friends when she had visitors. Gradually she started sitting closer to me and cuddled more often "not necessarily romantic right?" (Is what I told myself day after day). But last week as we watched a movie I slowly took her hand, and she took mine.
After her friend left we watched another movie and she leaned into me as I dared to caress her arm and back. At some point we went to my room to watch the rest of the movie since we didn't want to disturb the rest of the kitchen.
As we watched the movie we ended up essentially spooning. And I looked at her, she looked at me aswell and we both knew there was something electric in the air. She said that "this is a really bad idea", and I agreed as we continued to watch the movie. After the movie thought we looked at each other again, and again she said that "this is a stupid idea" and I said that "Well... im not known for being the smartest" in a joking tone. We looked at each other for what felt like an eternity before I dared to lean in and kiss her. And she kissed me back.
We snuggled and kissed for a while and even napped as I held her close to me. It was nice, and the most alive I have felt for a very long time (and it terrifies me).
We made some food and ate later before we both went to our own rooms, I took a shower as she called her friends (from the same friend group I mentioned earlier). We didn't speak again for the rest of the day, but I suspected that they would say the same as we both knew was the case, that this is a bad idea and that it could just end up making things super wierd if things don't work out in the long run.
I honestly feel really bad. If I had just suppressed my feelings, maybe I wouldn't be in this situation to begin with. And I feel bad for putting her in an awkward situation aswell where she has to even think about this to begin with. On top of that she hasn't been single for barely any time at all, and as her friend I think she should probably be alone and grow as a person on her own.
Now fast forward to the day after, she's going on a car trip with some friends (probably didn't talk about anything of this), and we all met up to eat later. I pretend like nothing, and she does the same. Later in the day we go to see an artist perform before going out for drinks and what not. We don't really talk at all the rest of the night, and I don't try to force anything either.
We go to get some food towards the end of the night, and I stand in line next to her as I ask her what her friends had to say. She confirmed what I honestly already knew as they also thought it was probably a bad idea, she also said we probably should talk about this when we are both inebriated and I agreed as we get our food and meet up with the others.
We sit and look at the sunrise as everyone talk to everyone. While we eat. As we go to our own rooms to sleep she seemingly hurries off and says good night as casually as ever.
They day after we have plans on making a dinner with someone else in the kitchen as well as catch up on a show the three of us has been watching.
I don't hear a word from her for most of the day before she eventually answers my texts about whether or now she'll still join us (which she does). Later in the evening we make some food and sit down to eat and watch our show. We barely talk at all (might be partially my fault as I am tired after staying up late with my own thoughts for the most of the night and morning hours) eventually we all go to our own places and she goes to play with the same friends.
This brings us to Today. I am what feels like a bundle of stress and mixed emotions. A part of me has already started processing the grief in advance (as I always do), and I can't help but but feel so incredibly bad for this entire situation. The right decision is probably to let this all go and move on as if nothing ever happened.
But another part of me does not want to give up. She makes me feel things I havent felt in so long, and although it terrifies me I want to tell her, even though it potentially ruins our friendship.
At the same time I don't want to guilt her into giving it a chance. I want her to have the time she deserves, and I want to be the friend she deserves and not the one sided obsessed wierd guy.
I need advice badly, because I don't know what to do with myself (which isn't ideal in the middle of our exam period). More than anything I want to know whether I should cry alone in my room and pretend like nothing or if I should feel like the luckiest guy ever.