I love my kid so much.
I just feel this absolutely hormonal urge to vent about how much I love my son. He's currently 13 months old, the sweetest little creature, so lovely, so funny, so playful, a whole ball of sunshine.
I was almost 24 and it was a month away from my wedding with my husband. That's when we found out about him - it was the sweetest news prior to our wedding. I suffered an extremely tough childhood full of trauma, narcissistic mother and absent father duo type of childhood. I was severely depressed, anxious, suicidal. Never knew my purpose in life. When I finally moved out and got a job I was partying all the time, there were always all these people around me but I felt so empty around everyone except my husband.
When I fell pregnant my whole perspective of my life changed. I gave birth to this sweet, loving creature who teaches me to slow down and enjoy. I finally feel like I have a purpose. And my purpose is to allow him to grow up in a loving, warm household with a joyous childhood like every kid in the world deserves.
I stare at him with so much love all the time. You'd think I'm used to how cute he is but he keeps getting cuter, sweeter, lovelier. Has his little moments but he's a kid and that doesn't change a thing for me. I enjoy being his mother, breastfeeding him while he put his little hands on my face, sometimes even smelly little feet. His big cheeks, his eyes full of purity and love. My days don't feel long and empty anymore, I have my little built in best friend. The more he grows the less I understand my parents.
I just put him down for a nap and got emotional while looking at his precious little face. All the tiny details that grew in my stomach. The lips, the eyelashes, the little nails. Everything is so small. And to think it was even smaller than now!
I don't know. I'm so happy to be a mother despite motherhood and postpartum being so hard on me. I love my little companion and ai wouldn't trade this life for anything. The house is a mess, I'm a mess, I have no village. But when I see him smile at me, when I feel his eyes staring at me, his little hands caressing me, when we cuddle and sleep together... my heart feels so healed. He has no idea how much love he's given me in return. I want to raise him to be a good, loving man, confident and genuine. I want to raise him in a way that allows him to feel whatever he needs to feel without the pressure of being a boy. I want to raise him to be a loyal man to his wife and family, and to respect women in general. I want him to have the life I mever had and I feel like I want to grow in all these experiences with him. I feel like my inner child heals whenever we learn and experience new things.
Is there anything sweeter in this world than experiencing life with a little human that grew inside of you? Sleeping next to someone who used to be a little resident in your womb. And remembering all the times I'd wonder about all these things I know about him today...
I love being a mom despite how hard it can be sometimes. I love being his mom. ❤️