Happily keeping my children in the void
I just had a thought that brought me some comfort. You can basically skip to the last two paragraphs as a tldr.
For a long time I’ve wondered what my mom’s life would be like if she followed her dreams, instead of just settling down and having kids (I know it’s a “dream” to some, but it’s a biological or socially conditioned one). Due to war, she fled her home in what was supposed to be her final year of college and eventually immigrated to the US. She always wanted to be a geography teacher. She could have learned English for some time and have gone to college here. She could’ve lived some kind of fulfilling life for herself instead of working a mindless job to help support her family. Growing up, I always wished that that was the path my mom chose for herself instead of choosing me. It occurred to me from a relatively early age that I only exist because of a war that happened in the homeland that caused my parents and their families to flee and find each other here. That war and violence and conflict and suffering, those are just simply facts of life. That ultimately, my birth/existence was some kind of bandaid over my parents’ traumatic experiences, that somehow I was supposed to give their lives a greater meaning.
Of course, I won’t have any children of my own, and I know that is the greatest thing that I’ll ever be able to do for them. They’re non-existent, so it’s weird to use any pronouns when describing them, but I just imagine myself in their place (the void or wherever), exactly where I was before my parents decided to bring me into the world. How I would be happy not to have ever existed at the “expense” of my mom living a life for herself. Or my dad, who somehow held onto life despite being systematically starved and tortured, how I wish he took care of himself rather than find purpose in me.
That is the gift I’m giving to my “children”. Their “dad” has figured it out, that life is no gift, but a contract signed on one’s behalf without their consent. That bringing them out of the void and into this world is not necessary for his “life’s purpose”. That any temporary “comfort” or “happiness” they may experience is only made possible by the necessary suffering of other living beings. There’s no risk that they’ll have to experience or grapple with the brutality for themselves.
I don’t know, this just kind of came to me. I think I’ve felt this for a while, the pieces of this puzzle have been thoughts in my head before, but now it’s finally together: I’m doing for my “children” (and for myself) exactly what I wish my parents had done for me (and for themselves). In a way it feels like it’s come full circle. After billions of years of evolution and lineage, I get to be the one to put an end to it.