7 years ago, I attempted suicide. It didn't work out, and I decided to just waste my time away until I decided to try it again. But after that, I managed to get into the college I wanted (one of the best in my country), into the course I wanted, and even though I struggled with academic life in the start (poor grades, failing classes), eventually I met this girl out of nowhere (I wasn't even trying to meet someone, she simply asked for instructions on something and we started talking). She is now my girlfriend, and the kind of girlfriend I could only ever dream of having before. Since she came about, my grades improved, I started dedicating myself more and more, and my life with her is perfect. Because of how much she changed my life, I graduated last year and got accepted as a post-graduate student with a scholarship in the same college I graduated in.
Today, I'm still with her and our relationship is still amazing, and I have already started my journey towards getting my master's degree. The trouble is: I still get suicidal from time to time, and it seems to be becoming more common these last few months. I did therapy after trying to kill myself, and even though it did not help me invest in myself, it did help reduce the frequency of times I wanted to kill myself. But now this feeling is becoming common again, and it makes me so extremely pissed at myself.
I feel like a crybaby, a drama queen, because I literally finally have a great life! I got everything I ever wanted: a college degree, a stable source of money (even though it is only for the next two years), a loving girlfriend that means the world to me, and I'm working towards getting a master's degree so I can eventually become a PhD! So why do I still feel like killing myself and being depressed all day at least twice every week?
I'm not gonna kill myself, because now I know it can get better, right? I have every reason possible to get better, and I would never forgive myself for what it would do to my girlfriend if I killed myself.
Still, why does my ungrateful ass still went back to feeling this way?