(27M) AIO for losing all respect for my dad
Well guys, today was my graduation day from medical school, and I'm super happy and grateful that I'll be a doctor. However, on the drive back home, I had noticed my dad had not once congratulated me and had on a pretty stoic face for most of the day. We had just finished having a meal at a restaurant, and my sister and mom both were happy but unsure why he was acting like this. I spent half the car ride going it over in my head and finally asked him if he was proud that I had become a doctor. He replied flatly that while I am a doctor now, that I should never be satisfied and have to keep improving. He goes on to lecture me that even though I graduated, that I should have graduated last year (I graduated in 5 years instead of 4) and that I'm overweight and need to keep losing weight so I can "have confidence" and get a girlfriend, while also saying it was embarrassing that I'm the only "fat one" in our pictures and would be laughed at by his friends.
For context: I'm Asian and both of my parents are immigrants from China. I guess they are the typical tiger parents, always pushing on me the value of education, and to get a respectable job with a good salary. I had always done my best to meet their expectations - I was high school valedictorian, graduated from a top 10 university with a 3.9 GPA, and got into medical school, and now finally today, an MD. I always respected my parents for building our lives from nothing - owning and working in Chinese restaurants. My dad also had a gambling addiction, and had at least two occasions where he'd gambled at casinos, lost tens of thousands of dollars both times, and we'd have to move and open a new restaurant to try and make money (literally how did my mom not divorce him? I guess trying to keep our family together because of my sister and I). I had always resented him a bit from that, forcing me to move school to school, always being the new kid because of it. Anyway, they finally opened a stable and rather successful restaurant, so I stayed at the same high school, but during medical school, he and his so-called "friends" got into a major marijuana scheme - he was bringing home even more money but after I guess a drug bust or something he ended up having to pay back hundreds of thousands of dollars back to people he borrowed money from (wtf? even typing this it seems insane). Anyway, it feels like while we finally had gotten a bit well off from working class, any time there is success, he always manages to find a way to sabotage our family somehow.
On my weight: I had always been a bit overweight since I was a kid, but honestly not morbidly obese or anything. I definitely relied a bit on food for emotional support sometimes or stress eating, but during medical school, there was a rough time where I had tried studying for board exams, gained a bunch of weight, and also ended up having to repeat a year because I had taken too much time to take that board exam, delaying my clinical rotations. I ended up getting my sh*t together, and got back on track to graduate while taking an extra year. I had gotten into fasting and recently even lost weight - about 30 pounds from my heaviest at 200lbs- and now my weight was 170, BMI was 27, only slightly overweight but my face is still a little fat. I already am making losing weight a priority as being a medical student, I know it is a key part to being healthy and I do want to become more confident and be more social - something I couldn't do much in medical school from all the time studying and also being self-conscious of not looking good enough to meet anyone or date. I do have many medical school friends, but not any that are super close.
My dad is big on being "respected" and he'd see his asian friends in NY each weekend and brag about me about to be a doctor, and they'd also party and drink. When my mom complains about him skipping work to do this, he'd blame my mom for criticizing him saying that's why I'm "not social enough" and not having any friends. I mean, come on, I'm in medical school, but I do primarily study, go to the gym sometimes, or play video games in my free time, and with some self-confidence issues I don't go out too much.
So back to the car ride - I told him I agree with most of what he's saying, but I just thought that on my literal graduation day he could at least say he was proud of me or at least not be so negative. I already had a bit of imposter syndrome from being held back a year but for him to point out I should have graduated last year really hurts me. I always try to make it non-argumentative but he says I'm not allowed to talk back, that my grandfather would already be beating him or saying much harsher things, and internally I already know this was abuse and generational trauma, maybe that's why he's so harsh on me as well.
Anyway, while we're going back and forth my mom does say he's being unreasonable but also says he has a point, that "I should be losing more weight". For reference in the past 6 months I had already lost 30 pounds, though in the last month I was yo-yo-ing a bit. They both expected me to look better with all my weight lost. I had also set a goal to lose 50 lbs, which I could have done with aggressive fasting but it is definitely not recommended nor the most healthy. At this point, I'm just so overwhelmed that I start having a panic attack - I'd only had one a few years ago due to my father as well and he brushed it off as me not taking criticism from him, he'd even prided himself that my grandfather was harsher and at least he "listened" while I cried which was something "not manly". I'm crying in the car - gutteral crying and hyperventilating but also honestly feeling a bit of catharsis for letting it all out after having to hold it in for so long - my mom is patting my back trying to comfort me while also criticizing my dad for never being happy, only being happy when he's spending time with his "friends" instead of his family.
I just...really feel like I've lost all respect, or at least what was left of it, for my dad. While he is valid in me not becoming complacent and trying to reach my goals (the weight I'm still working on), and maybe there's shame in me just breaking down in front of him, I'm just afraid that maybe I'll never love him or emotionally connect with him as father and son - he constantly pushes me to reach my goals and yeah I do chase these goals and want to meet his expectations - but I think I hit my limit. I can't justify his actions anymore now that he's pushed me into having a SECOND panic attack. I dunno, I'm a doctor now. I respect myself. And I reached this goal...no, my DREAM of being a doctor because I wanted to help people - not just for money or respect - while my dad has another achievement of mine under his belt to brag to his friends about...but no I'm too fat and ugly for that too. I'm so done. I don't think me losing my respect for him is even overreacting at this point, so I'm sorry for venting and rambling with this post. Not sure if I need to hit up one of my med school friends for a therapy session as his first patient, haha.
TLDR: AIO for losing respect for my dad criticizing me for being fat on my graduation day from medical school.