Wacha niseme initoke For the longest time aki I’ve just felt like self exiting ni venye sijui the simplest method.😭I know my problems are not bigger than anyone’s but I feel things deeply like extremely deep than normal and it sucks.The only thing that will prevent me from self exiting is this particular job I’ve been eyeing abroad I’ve made my applications but unfortunately they take extremely long to get back to their candidates and each day feels like torture.I have no motivation to do anything else but that particular thing the course I’ve studied doesn’t even involve that particular thing and I know that people might say I’m being so dumb by not having a plan but tbh aki inafika point tu sijali aki cause I’m like if it doesn’t work out for me me ntajitoa tu. Here I am being forced to go back to school I don’t want to because that’s more burden on my parents of which I’ve just always felt like a burden.I’ve been in isolation for quite a while now(I love it a lot) and now I have to leave so that I can start going to school and I have no choice ju Wenye nyumba washasema. I feel like I’m in a cage and I have felt that for a long time not that my parents are bad they are just right for me but sometimes it just feels like you need to give love from afar.I need to be alone far away from here and I feel like I only have two ways to escape and that’s that job abroad or self exiting.Kazi nimetafuta it’s not been going well for me but I still have a lot to be grateful for and I am….I just wish I could give someone all this things someone who deserves and will appreciate it more na me I cease to exist because yohhh this feeling shit deeply is taking a toll on me mentally and emotionally ….I’ve thought about taking drugs especially for anxiety cause I also deal with that but sitaki kufika hapo and some have side effects that I don’t want to deal with .Sahi najiforce Tu niendee huko but everyone eventually has a breaking point na Mimi yangu inafika very soon 😭especially after holding everything in trying to stay strong for everyone else people coming to you telling you their problems uwasaidie alafu Wewe zako unalia kwa kitanda ukiomba Mungu anakuskia.I try to distract myself by playing vitu kama Roblox (YES AT KY GROWN AGE) but shit like that is temporary joy KPLC wakifanya ile kitu you are back to feeling like shit.I sleep a lot as a coping mechanism but kwa nyumba ya African parents ukilala sana Wewe ni mvivu hawajui you are going through it mentally.Yohh I really need a fresh new start😭any tips ki wikihow
EDIT:To make matters worse😭Everyone’s life around me is moving and I’m just there like an NPC.I know God blesses people time Yao ikifika but damn😭Eii si ata kitu kubwa mzuri inifanyikie tukuwe na sherehe kidogo
Another Edit (lol):I’ve written this pouring out my feelings praying and hoping that by the end of the year I’ll look back at this post and laugh n I’ll come and give my testimony here venye nimepata hio kazi🥹😭