Hello r/heartbreak,
I know I’m dumb for thinking about someone who doesn’t even think of me but I’m here and my heart hurts. We met in 2017 through a mutual friend. I was 20 and she was 19. Up to that point I’d never known a girl to show interest in me. I didn’t bother pursuing for fear of rejection.
She had to pull me out of my shell to get to me but she did. She made me laugh harder than any of my friends could and she was always down to do dumb shit with me as long as we were together. She even tried to learn my stupid hobby and would play MKX with me (she started learning kitana and whooped my ass a few times). Everything felt easy with her. She had some traumatic experiences in previous relationships, but we were able to supplant those experiences and memories with positive ones. In turn, she constantly encouraged me and would tell me all the good she saw in me.
She hated to hear me speak negatively about myself and I know that contributed to her dumping me. For some reason I can’t explain, I have always felt like a loser. I didn’t sustain childhood trauma or anything, I’ve just always had low self-confidence and low self-esteem. My relationship with my ex helped to quell these feelings a bit, but I was always fighting myself to believe she loved me. She dumped me on 2/10/19. I remember the day because that day sucked so bad. I started it losing an academic opportunity I had been working on for a year, then pulled my frozen car door handle off and ended it getting dumped on FaceTime audio.
She called me three times through the week. I guess to see if I was ok and then I didn’t hear from her until May. I admit, I felt great joy seeing her name pop up on my phone. I still had the emojis by her name. The phone call was weird and I remember feeling hurt to hear a male voice come into her room and ask if he left a sock. At this point she was out of our hometown and living in the city attending school. The love and warmth she once had for me felt like it had converted to pity. She was calling me not because she was interested in me but I think she felt sorry for me.
Once I told her it was all good on my end, that was it. I haven’t heard from her since and I’ve thought about her every day since. I’ve never tried to reach out (I’m not that guy) but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t look at her instagram from time to time. She’s doing well in her field and looks amazing. I’m happy for her, but I know her success puts her even further away from me. Getting her back was always going to be impossible because she discarded me like old shoes, but now that I’ve stayed stagnant for the last 7 years, I’d probably really look like a piece of shit to her if she were to see me.
I shut down pretty hard after losing my ex and that aforementioned academic opportunity. I managed to finish my degree on time but I completely neglected networking and internships. I didn’t have a firm academic plan before the breakup and dealing with those feelings for the first time put me on autopilot. I got ok grades and started smoking more weed to not think. Needless to say this was not a positive development for my future. As of now I’m unemployed, living at home and I use my mom’s car to do food deliveries. This was ok at 20 but at 28 I know no woman wants to date the pizza boy.
I’ve tried my hand at dating a couple times since my ex and only been intimate with one woman. I tried to not compare my dates to my ex but I couldn’t help it and it just wasn’t the same. My ex felt like she was made for me in every way. I know how young we were and people change drastically during that period of life, but it felt like we’d just grow together, at least on my end. I get such a fucked up feeling in my chest when I realize that I may never find someone that feels like they fit me again.
All this heartbreak and anguish was exacerbated yesterday when I was cleaning out old bins and found a necklace and Valentine’s Day card she gave me. A single thug tear fell from my face as I read the card for the first time in about 5 years. I thought about wearing the necklace again but nah lmao, I can’t go out that sad. She’d been on my mind a bit more recently because I think the mutual friend that brought us together is seeing her now. I don’t really care if true, although I do look at him a bit differently (dude lives in a city of millions yet has to fuck the one ex I’ve ever had?).
I don’t even know how to finish this wall of text. If you’ve made it here I’m sorry. I hate myself for losing her and I hate myself for not progressing in life. It was somewhat cathartic to write this out so at least that helps. I’ve never told anyone that I’ve felt this for the last 7 years.