I don't know if my fetish is okay or not
I have a bruise fetish (idk what it's called) and dacryphilia. I've discovered it recently, maybe 6 months ago, but then realised it has always been something that turns me on. I used to just treat it like a normal weird kink that was harmless but now I feel disgusted by it.
One weird thing though is that I am not into BDSM or rough sex at all, it actually turns me off. I need gentleness and genuine love when I'm having sex. I'm into bruises and crying only if it's in a non-sexual context. So for example I can masturbate by looking at photos of bruises or even at my own (I also used to give myself bruises a few years ago because I liked that specific pain and just because I liked them?).
The thing is, I now feel so disgusted because I don't understand how I can be turned on by someone else's pain (even though it's mostly about what I imagine), since I would never actually want to cause any harm to my partner or to anyone.
I also don't know how healthy it is for my sex drive. For example, when I was having sex with my boyfriend I was having a hard time getting mentally aroused so I just started imagining those things that normally turn me on. It felt weird because I should have been turned on enough just by the fact that we were having sex, NOT by something completely unrelated. At the same time, I guess it was also helpful, since it turned me on more?
I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is morally ok or if it's healthy for me or not. I feel disgusted mostly because I don't understand if what I am doing is damaging or not. I'm also not sure if this subgroup is the best for this discussion but idk others. If someone could read this and give me some advice, I'd really appreciate it. I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it, even my boyfriend.