u/MaterialInternet4720

I’ve been in my stepdaughter’s life since she was 3—she’s 14 now—and it’s been a long road. For years, I pushed for her to be evaluated for learning challenges, but her mom refused to acknowledge anything was going on. Finally, just this past year, she was tested and diagnosed with autism. It wasn’t a surprise, but it was frustrating that it took so long to get her the support she needs.
Her parents have had a court-ordered shared custody agreement for about eight years. Now she’s finishing 8th grade and about to start high school, and her mom recently enrolled her in a school across town—without discussing it with her dad. With traffic, it can take close to an hour to get there from our house.
When my spouse asked why, her mom said she let our stepdaughter choose the school herself. That’s what’s really hard to wrap my head around—she’s two grade levels behind, testing around a fourth-grade level, and has an IEP. Letting her choose a school without confirming whether it can meet her needs doesn’t make sense to me.
We also have another child to get to school in the mornings, and balancing both schedules is already tough—especially with work and travel. So we told our stepdaughter that if she wants to attend that school, she’ll need to learn how to take public transportation. It’s not a direct route, but it’s doable, and we figured it’s a reasonable expectation if she’s making this kind of decision.
Now her mom is pushing back, saying she won’t allow their daughter to take the bus or train, that it’s unsafe, and that we need to figure something else out. At the same time, she made this decision without consulting us and is now trying to control how we handle the logistics.
It feels like an impossible situation. There’s also a pattern of her mom making things difficult, and I worry this is part of a bigger push to have their daughter live with her full-time during the week. That would be really hard on my spouse, especially given his own experiences growing up.
After more than a decade of being deeply involved and advocating for this child, I’m honestly exhausted. I’ve started to step back because I just don’t have the energy to keep fighting every battle—especially when it feels like progress is constantly undermined.
Part of me thinks it might actually be easier if she stayed with her mom during the week at this point, but I don’t know if that’s the right answer either.
Has anyone dealt with something similar—co-parenting conflicts, school decisions, or navigating support for a child with special needs? I’d really appreciate any insight or advice.