u/Material-Wheel99

I was thinking of what made the women around me successful and thriving in career and life. All of them are always surrounded by (or they surround themselves with) people, they don't mind sharing their space and in turn they get plenty of support, a village to raise their children and a supportive husband who would even quit their jobs to move to another country for the wife's promotion.

I thought I'll approach them for tips on how to become one too. But the problem is .. most of them are rude, talk without even thinking of how words can affect others and has no empathy.

I come from dysfunctional family which made me isolate myself, developed low self esteem, I don't have the courage to stand-up for myself ..almost like a doormat. I can't help but feel that life would have been much better if I had a healthy family on whom I could have relied on emotionally.

For context, I'm in a bad (let's just call it that for now) marriage. I cannot leave right now because of the fragile state my father is in.

A cousin was rude to me during a recent family gathering and I didn't talk back, wanted to keep the peace, they were among few of the relatives that stays close to my parent's and I live away. So, I didn't want to ruffle any feathers.

My husband later tried to taunt me with how that cousin treated me. I got triggered, mentioned to him that their(cousin's ) life story is far more nastier and I was being decent to not insult them back.

You see, I don't take him to family gatherings much because he would catch these things and later insult me with it after coming home.

Now the thing is he is saying he'll tell the cousins that I have prohibited him from attending gatherings only because the cousins have bad lives.

I have researched a lot about this type of humans...covert narcissists. They'll try to isolate you from your friends and family. So that you'll have nobody to turn to for help. GPT says these are all "control tactics" used by abusers and to not fall for it. It also recommends to talk to the cousins first ..about how he threatens to use the information, to have the first word.

Isn't it normal to actually confide in your spouses about the difficulties your family or friends have? Thank God, I didn't give him exactly what's the issue with my cousin's life was. He would have turned that against me too.

Everyday I try to detach myself emotionally from this guy but I slip like this sometimes. I don't know what to do. It's hell. Not a day goes by without crying about what a horrible person I ended up with and what wrong did I do in this life to be punished like this. Most of my days (and years) are filled with rumination and I'm unable to concentrate on anything else.

Anybody else went through something like this? Being married to covert narcissists?

Tldr: Husband is trying to weaponise a information I told him about a relative against me.

I'm on a self healing journey... low self esteem, abusive marriage and other stuffs.

A maternal cousin was extremely rude during a recent family gathering. It triggered a long forgotten very very old wound. A teacher slapped me infront of the whole class for not showing her my distinction certificate right away during school assembly session.

I was probably in class 7 or 8. It was around the time when my parents had nasty fights and my dad became completely emotionally distant. I was dealing with a lot of emotions during those times and I didn't know how to deal with them.

That slapped evoked nothing in me, only tears welled up.

I should have been angry. I should have told my dad, he should have come to the school and fought with that teacher for humiliating me. Because what wrong did I do? I never showed certificates to my teachers right away. It was only during class hours. Even so ...what is even that practice?

I told my mom. She did nothing because she has always been so timid, dealing with her own traumas. That teacher was also an LIC agent and the above mentioned cousin took tuitions from her and this teacher seemed to have pressured her to take insurance and wanted my cousin to push them to my family and other aunts/uncles. She didn't. So, she took that anger out on me.

This memory resurfaced and I felt extremely ashamed of myself for not standing up. Other instances of people testing my boundaries and humiliations are resurfacing Is this normal?

I'm finding it hard to give back to people. Any advice regarding that? For example, an aunt (who was severely sick few months ago) was mocking my infertility and I just couldn't find the courage in my heart to insult her back. How do I find the courage to counter attack them?

I have elderly parents and I live away from them. I'm afraid to burn bridges. What if my parents has emergency and these people are the ones close by? At the same time, I can't keep being a doormat. I have had enough.