So, there’s this girl who I consider my best female friend. She’s the ex of my best friend from 5 years ago. I’ve seen her in a very protective/sister-like way. She’s had a difficult life (abusive mother, bad exes, emotional struggles, self harm in the past, etc.) and from the beginning I felt very emotionally drawn to comforting and protecting her.
You might wonder why are we even close or why is she still friend with her ex (my male best friend). It’s because he never genuinely cared about her and even cheated on her when they were together. This is quite messy, as she doesn’t know that. And she might have poor boundaries and still remains friends with him. He genuinely doesn’t care on the other hand. I’ve been really honest with my male best friend about my relationship with her and what I’ve felt toward her. Which is a perk of having such a good friendship and trust with him.
The problem is that over time my friendship with her slowly escalated into something that honestly feels way too intimate and emotionally charged, even though neither of us ever explicitly defined it romantically. And we both have contributed to it.
At first it was just saying “I love you”, and telling her I see her like a sister and want to protect her. Saying we appreciate each other.
But then it slowly escalated into hugging a lot, cuddling under blankets, sleeping in the same bed, resting on each other, her asking for forehead kisses / cheek kisses, rubbing each other’s exposed backs, caressing hair, face, neck,
prolonged eye contact, her hugging me really tightly after physical affection, her sending me reels about loving me a lot, of missing my hugs, etc.
The most suggestive thing probably happened 2 months ago. We were out at a club with our friends. We got drunk and she started asking for me to kiss her cheek and I did. This happened a couple times and then I kissed her forehead. We were hugging a lot. We then were talking about other stuff and she goes “I tend to fall in love easily..”. I continued the conversation taking it elsewhere. Then, at one point I said “I love you so much” and she was like “I love you so much too… I think I’m gonna stop saying that so much”. Did she do this because she was feeling things?
The thing is:
I don’t think I’m actually “in love” with her romantically in the classic sense. I’m not even attracted to her sexually. I have even tried to test this in my alone time (if you know what I mean) and honestly I just cannot for the life of me see her that way. It just feels wrong and weird, like trying to sexualize a sister.
I’ve realized I became deeply attached to the intimacy itself and to the role of being her protector/safe place.
She’s a very innocent person who’s had bad life experiences. She’s cried on my shoulder a couple times (once after she broke up with her most recent ex and another when she had a panic attack).
At the same time, I also realize this dynamic may genuinely be unhealthy for both of us because
the relationship is ambiguous. I can’t know for sure what it means on her side. But we keep escalating physically/emotionally without direction. Every time we go out mutual friends repeatedly point out that we act like a couple (my best male friend included). A common female friend in the group said the other day she sensed romantic tension between us. That day we’d gone to a night club and this girl kissed my forehead with her lipstick saying that she wanted to because it would look good. My male best friend and the other girl were laughing about that.
Lately I’ve seen her a little more distant or quiet and my best friend also has wonders if she’s fallen in love with me and is trying to distance herself. Although I can’t know for sure, that part might just be in our heads.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of “friendship turning into pseudo-relationship through intimacy” thing? Where a male-female friendship starts acting like a couple? I feel like at some point after so much hugging and cuddling and intimacy, it starts to mean something even if there isn’t a label.
I don’t know what to do. I like the physical touch so so much but at the same time know I should distance myself for her own sake and even my own (what if I start to fall in love with her later on).