Seems obvious, but I always recognized that feeling as loneliness/depression until last night I forced myself to sit with the feeling and analyze it. I’ve been stressed out looking for jobs and there is some question about the validity of one of my professional licenses (probably not an issue but could be) and I was feeling particularly low and hopeless. I wanted to invite my best friend over (who was just over the night before) but I realized it was probably too late at night and she wouldn’t want to come, not to mention that she was just over.
I started feeling it then, that horrible soul sucking depression/loneliness that comes about when I can’t get my fix of attention. I thought about WHY I wanted my friend over, and it really wasn’t because I wanted to socialize; in fact I would have preferred just having her in the house near me. What I wanted was the validation that someone wanted to socialize with and be near me; I wanted that attention and validation for my self-esteem more than anything else. So I could feel “real” again. (Because I usually stop feeling “real” after a certain amount of time without validation and it makes me feel like I’m going to literally die)
A therapist would surely say it’s normal to want support when you are going through a rough time, but as you all probably know with therapists they don’t necessarily “get” it. It wasn’t for support, it was for attention and validation from someone who is excellent supply so I could feel “real” again.
Another acquaintance coming over wouldn’t have had the same effect, but it would have been “better than nothing” in my mind. I didn’t bother inviting someone else because if they said no, rejected me, I would have felt even worse. Can’t risk that!
What is frustrating is how I can recognize this all about myself, pinpoint the issue so to speak, yet still feel and act the same way as ever. Well, mostly. I am making progress with my behavior around friends, I’ll give myself that.