u/Massive-Priority8343

When I was young, I always thought I would die early. I carried several unresolved traumas that led me to have suicidal thoughts. The first time I tried to kill myself, I was only 10 years old. I drank several unknown medications, but my grandmother was able to save me in time.

As I grew older, those thoughts never really left. During my teenage years, I promised myself that I would end my life when I turned 18. I continued living normally on the outside. I became an honor student, a dean’s lister, and tried my best to move forward, but deep inside, I was still determined to die on my 18th birthday.

Then, at 17, I met the man who is now my husband. My life completely changed, and for the first time, I wanted to live. I wanted a future with him. We got married when I was 25, and everything felt perfect.

Then I developed postpartum depression. The suicidal thoughts returned like a tsunami, and I started hurting myself again. My husband fought so hard to help me see that I was loved, that my life mattered. Slowly, I recovered.

Recently, I started spiraling again. There was no specific trigger. I was simply exhausted from living. I began cutting myself again and hid everything from my husband, but I reached out to a friend who lives abroad. She made sure I was seen. She protected my dignity until I was ready to open up again. I am currently undergoing treatment and still holding on.

Yesterday, while preparing for work, I noticed a single strand of white hair. I ended up crying alone in our office restroom. I could not believe that I am still here. I am getting older. I am still living.

It is still very painful, but I am fighting.

My husband was the breadwinner of his family for more than 15 years. Nung bagong kasal pa lang kami, kami nagbabayad ng apartment nila and panggastos sa bahay, nag stop lang kami nung apat na kids namen and we bought our own house na din kasi. He has a sister na sumalo ng responsibility. She was fortunate sa pagiging VA that she was earning more than double than our salaries combined kaya panatag na kami na kaya na talaga nila. They started traveling a lot and even bought their own house. Super happy kami ni hubby kase finally naeenjoy na din ng family nila yung fruit ng paghihirap ng sister nya.

2 years ago, nalaman namen na baon pala sa utang sister nya. Siguro masyado na excite sa laki ng sahod nya and she spends money more than what she earns. Umabot ng halos 1M utang nya sa credit card and naka receive na din sya ng threat sa mga maniningil. Pati yung bahay na binili nila wala na, hindi na kinaya bayaran kaya parang naglahong parang bula yung mga binayad nila dun.

Last year, need operahan si MIL sa kidney dahil sa mga batong namuo, walang pera kapatid nya, kahit konti. Unfortunately nagpa expand din kami ng bahay nun at naubos halos yung pera namen but we still helped them. Supposedly babalik si MIL para sa follow up to monitor if magkaka roon pa ng additional growth and para di na mas lumala. Ayun hindi pala nag follow up, kase kahit pang check up wala. Ngaun need na operahan si MIL dahil namatay na yung kidney nya dahil nga napabayaan na. Etong FIL ko sa private dinala, hinihingian kami ng 350k para daw maoperahan na si MIL. May ipon kami oo, pero hindi aabot sa ganun, kakasimula pa lang ulit namen mag ipon ng funds after ng mga gastusin sa binili namen bahay.

Nag offer kami to get 2nd opinion. Hine help ko din sila sa mga different government agencies for medical assistance kase nga wala naman kaming pera na ganun kalaki, pero parang ayaw nila. Gusto nila ora orada magbigay kami ng ganun kalaking pera.

For context, I came from a well off family, pero never ako pinalaki ng parents ko na umasa sa kanila kaya eversince nagpursige ako to achieve what we have now. Alam ko na kapag may nangyari saken, kayang buhayin ng parents ko yung kids ko, pero never ko ipaparanas sa parents ko maging pabigat sa kanila. Iniisip ko, baka akala ng FIL ko agad agad ako aabutan ng pera ng parents ko para tulungan sila. Alam ni hubby na hindi gagawin ng parents ko yun.

To add lang din, hindi na naging ganun kaclose yung hubby ko sa family nya, hindi nya choice yun, sadyang hindi na sya kinamusta ng parents nya after magstop sustento namen. Lagi kami nagre reach out sa kanila lalo na para sa mga anak namen pero wala silang pakialam sa mga bata. Nagmemessage lang sila sa tuwing may ganyang problema.

Willing kami tumulong, ako na naghahanap ng pwede nilang 2nd opinion and naghehelp na din ako financially. Pero talagang mapapaisip ka na lang na bakit kelangan asawa ko yung maging kawawa sa mga desisyon nila sa buhay. Kung maka demand sila akala mo may patago sila samen, ni hindi nga nila makamusta asawa ko. Kahit mag message pa asawa ko kalimitan seen lang. Kahit anong yaya namen sa kanila para maka bonding mga anak namen laging hindi pwede kase walang kasama sister nya sa bahay. Kaya nagsawa na lang kami mag reach out eh, mararamdaman mo naman kase kung ayaw ng tao mag establish ng relationship sa inyo.