I Don't Even Know What to Title This
I've posted here before. Explained my situation. 4mg of Klonopin per day, exactly as prescribed, never misused. For 7 years. 2 rapid tapers in 2025 that left me just an absolutely destroyed shell of a human. Switched to 40mg/day Valium since August '25. Again, never misused. Been on that dose ever since.
I am in my mid 40's. 2 sons. I've literally been on benzodiazepines for almost half of my older son's life, and almost ⅔ of my younger son's. And I can barely remember the last 8 years of my life with them without pictures of me with them reminding me.
Can't remember phone calls minutes after I hang up with who I'm talking to. Cognition severely diminished. Have struggled with MDD, GAD, C-PTSD my whole life. And those came well before I ever even took my first benzodiazepine.
Was 9½ years sober from alcoholism until October of last year and suddenly relapsed, which just completely and utterly turned my life even more upside down than it already was (sober now). I've barely worked in the last 2 years. Almost no money left. Sitting in a shitty treatment facility where I live that is utterly inadequate in every way in terms of addressing the depth of what I've been going through for years and years and years.
My body trembles constantly. I have to eat with a spoon because I literally can't keep food on a fork. Depressed beyond belief. Social anxiety in groups. Not a single close friend left. Not one.
I'm just so, so utterly exhausted in my soul. And knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that not only are my best years behind me already, but that I will certainly be permanently impaired for whatever is left of my life from years of these medications, and what it would take to come off of them... I'm just shattered. I feel like my life is over. And I'm not prone to being dramatic, that's just my intuition and my understanding of both my life and my predicament with these drugs telling me the truth of the matter. I'll never be the same.
I don't even know why I'm writing this. Just reaching out the only way I know how. To a community of strangers. Holding back tears until I hit post, drop the phone and break down. I don't even know what anyone could say that could possibly provide any realistic hope.
I just don't know anymore.