Am I way off?
I causally mentioned to my dad earlier this week my mom didn’t sign my Mother’s Day Card. Not upset or anything, just wasn’t sure if she was harbouring feelings or anything towards me or if it was just an accident.
Today I received these messages.
It broke me in a way I’ve been avoiding for years. I thought I’d done a lot of work in therapy and had gotten past the way she used to be able to evoke such visceral emotions.
I’ve always been painted as cruel and awful because I’ve never adored her as others did. It was a very lonely and confusing way to grow up. No one believed me that she was so cold because they never saw that side, only me. My dad has started to understand more than ever. Which is why I think I’m left so hurt tonight.
I sent him my screenshots and explained how hard this was for me to receive and how cruel it felt. And he said he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with it. And that shattered me. He said things she said were true and he believes she was genuinely wishing me a happy Mother’s Day…but she’s not. This is part of the same repeated pattern. She’s the martyr, I’m the awful daughter who she lives despite my feelings.
Our relationship is complex and there’s years of missing context. But this displays the same pattern. But I’m left questioning again because of my dad doesn’t see it, am I off? I’ve never known her to be genuine, there has never not been an agenda, I read this and feel like it’s exactly the same usual, but then I always feel that guilt of “what if I’m wrong?” Even after years of therapy telling me I’m not. How is this so hard?