I hate myself
For about the past month I have been feeling immensely depressed and have felt intense self hatred. I truly wonder what is wrong with me and why I cannot have a happy life. This is me trying to express all of my feelings..
I’m a 31 year old man. I have a loving wife and amazing son. My wife and I, besides our college loan debt, are making progress in life. I though feel that my mental health is weighing us down.
To begin I feel absolutely alone and it hurts so much. I have zero true friends. Quickly after graduating high school I grew apart and dropped all of my friends. I do not regret this as some of them were negative influences and went on to struggle through out early adulthood. I currently work as a teacher. My building has predominantly younger teachers around my age who I really do get along with and enjoy talking to. Although our climate is terrible and people typically stay within their grade level in terms of friends. I have had a different teaching teammate every year so this has not been an option for me. My first year teaching I was apart of a friend group, in which during that first summer I moved grade levels and my friends stopped looking at me when we returned in August. For the past two years I have struggled to make friends in my building, although this last month a coworker had a birthday outing and it was great to see everyone and socialize. We even talked about needing to continue having staff outings. Upon returning to work on Monday it was like nothing had occurred the weekend before and we all weren’t just laughing and talking. I applied for a job at a different school to try and make a change. The school I applied at has prominently older staff. I’m nervous I’m making a terrible mistake in leaving a crowd of people around my age but don’t talk to me for a building full of people that are older and may not have anything in common with me. I truly have felt so alone, outside of my wife, and don’t know how much longer I can go through life without a friend.
My family is an exhausting topic. My parents and two siblings live a town away from my wife, son, and I. It takes about 20 minutes to travel between the two towns. Growing up and into my adult life I have been immensely close with my family. Mainly my mom as my siblings and I have the type of relationship where we mainly only talk at family events. Since my son was born my family and I have had a rough relationship. Essentially they have a pack mentality. They keep to themselves. They are constantly in the town where my family and I live getting dinner, shopping, or doing an outing but can never invite us. They are also very quick to judge or question my wife and I’s parent choices. When we are together they seem to mainly talk about things they have recently been doing together. I would like to think it’s not to rub it in our faces that we weren’t present but it’s starting to feel that way. If you are wondering why I have not confronted them about this it is because I have become accustomed to holding in my feelings towards them. Growing up our family was incredibly loving but we also all fought and argued over everything. It has taken a lot of self growth for me to not argue and fight over every little thing. I know I need to speak up though. If you would have told me growing up that I would essentially have a nonexistent relationship with the people I knew best I would tell you that there’s no way that could be possible. It truly hurts that I’m not close to my family and cannot rely on them for a support system.
I have recently been struggling with my sexuality as of late. Well for a long time or since I can remember. Growing up I quickly realized I thought men were attractive. I also thought women were attractive as well. As I got older I tried to suppress these feelings. I know I am bi. I know I have an amazing wife, who I am attracted to, and love so incredibly much but I can’t help but feel I am closing myself off from a part of my life that I need to explore.
Finally. I truly dislike myself. I have zero confidence. I think I am hideous, annoying, and unworthy of anything good. I think this stems from some bullying I faced in elementary school and some experiences while growing up.
I’m not sure what the goal of this was other than to share my feelings and express myself. If you have any advice I’d love to hear it.