hello everyone. I want to share some of the symptoms of my personality disorder. Last year, in April, I had a series of psychoses. for example, I have an irrational thought that I cannot fully feel all objects. It seemed to me that I was constantly wearing thick gloves and I couldn't feel the objects as a whole. sometimes I deliberately touched some sharp/cold/bitter objects to feel them. another feeling I had was the constant background de-aliasing. constantly. 24 hours to 7. and the psychosis was the strongest. in general, it seemed to me that I was something like the main character in the movie the Trumont show. That everyone around me is lying, that I'm the only person, and that they're trying to convince me that I'm just mentally ill. but I actually found out the truth. I wanted to escape to the countryside, confident that the backstage was not far away, that I would see the real world, that I would find out the truth that was being hidden from me. it got to such a state that when I left college, I wanted to talk about it, but my thoughts stopped me saying that I shouldn't share it, that they would blame me and make me sick, even though I was actually right. and I was really scared, and I told my friend about it. Before that, these thoughts didn't seem strange or bad to me. and then about once a month I catch myself thinking that everything is fake, that people are not real. because of this, I became more cruel to them because I was sure they were all faking emotions, they were all lying to me, it didn't hurt them, they were just trying to put me in a frame. and this April, everything happened again, but I had already spent time in the hospital in the acute ward, and now suddenly, after a stressful situation, I had the idea that I couldn't tell others anything and pretend to be normal because I would be locked up in the hospital again (yes, my stay there was extremely traumatic. I still have nightmares that I'm there).
and this thought crept up so conveniently and quickly, I only managed to delete a few posts about personal information about myself, and after 2 weeks I can only tell you what it was. I was haunted by fear and inner certainty that I was making a mistake, and even now, as I write this, I am 30% sure that I am making a mistake and that I will regret it later. I have been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder and it seems to me that I have another disorder, but this is not a fact. I stopped working with my therapist after I got into a mental institution and my mother no longer finances our finances and I am very sad about this. but at the same time, it seems to me that I am mentally healthy enough and that I am not like other patients, and Mench has these thoughts because I am really right. Besides, after the experience with durka, I'm very afraid to start therapy again, I don't think I can trust psychotherapists, and I don't think I'll ever decide to go back to therapy myself.