A paragraph from Untamed that mirrors my reality. Am I a lesbian? (⚠️ DV trigger warning ⚠️)
This is what I've been doing for a while now: going all the way back to my childhood, upbringing, relationships, etc...and asking myself what decisions did I make or not because it came from an authentic place within myself? What decisions did I make or not make due to societal pressures, religion, patriarchal conditioning, external pressures and influences, comp het, etc.? This paragraph from Untamed by Glennon Doyle jumped out of the page for me because it reflects what I've been processing lately, what I explained to my husband (male), and so much more. I feel like I failed myself for not taking the time to deeply reflect on what it is that I really want and need in my life. I've been living all these years putting other peoples' needs and wants before my own, and denying myself to my own detriment.
Now I'm in a marriage with four children in my 30's wanting to live my life authentically and choose myself. I feel guilty, ashamed, it feels selfish (at least that's what those who feel inconvenienced by it would want me to feel). I want to be happy, free, and fully me without a care in the world. I know I can love my children better if I'm happy and living authentically as well. Besides this shift that I'm experiencing in my sexuality (identified as bi for as long as I can remember, but never had a wlw/sapphic relationship or have been intimate with a woman in my adult life....I feel like I'm shifting into lesbianism), my mindset, and the way I want to live my life, I also want to divorce because I'm tired of being re-traumatized and being in a relationship with a man who has caused so many trouble and pain for me (DV history, including prior strangulation).
I've been so loyal to him that I forgot to be loyal to myself. He doesn't put his hands on me now, but I still feel abused in some ways and I really want to believe that I should not feel guilty for wanting to get out of this marriage because it doesn't feel emotionally fulfilling or safe for me. I'm not in love. I don't feel attraction. There's no connection. But he wants me to stay (maybe he's just comfortable and does not want to be inconvenienced; maybe he benefits from my presence and labor?).
I'm thinking about a lot and processing a lot. Idk how my life is going to change, or how I'm going to do this but I know that my life needs to change and I need to live authentically for myself, and no one else. My children will be loved and cared for, as they always are, but I envision myself being my happier, more free, and more authentic self, and they will get the best of me, not a shell of me.
Has anyone been in my position? Had any similar thoughts or experiences? Does anyone have friendly advice? Thanks. If not, it's okay. Thank you for reading. It's much better than keeping this all in.