I don’t know
Hello, 16F here. I recently turned 16 last month, so I’m grateful that I already made it this far considering the fact that I attempted multiple times in hopes that I wouldn’t make it past this age.
I posted on this sub because I needed advice or just someone that would listen and understand my pain.
Since my childhood, I grew mostly apart from other children because of my parents that neglected me, leading to me living with my disabled grandparents since I was around 3 years old. Initially living with my grandparents wasn’t that much of a problem, though it was more linked to confusion, as to why I couldn’t live a life with healthy loving parents just like the others? Or why did I have to spend the rest of my life in these conditions because they weren’t mature enough to understand that I existed?
Throughout time, my confusion turned into jealousy and I hated it. I would spend my time wondering where my “picture perfect” parents were? After school, I would watch other kids run to their parental figures and when they asked where mine was? I would simply reply that they were working. When there would be events where you could bring your dad for a school dance, I never showed up. Instead, I slowly lost faith in believing that my parents still meant something in my life. They weren’t even capable of being present in times where I needed them the most.
One of the other main reasons contributing to this idea is my appearance. I mean being poc, already is a game-changer, but tall as well? I spent most of my childhood being masculinised because of my height and looks, I was ugly. I would hide my femininity by wearing male clothing, purposely disliking pink or other “girly stuff”. I would force myself to fit their criteria just so I could feel loved. It was also degrading that when we would play “family” I had to always be the boyfriend and would have to do certain things. I do believe that this also led to me being early hyper-sexual along with the cause being unfiltered internet access.
Though up to now I managed to push aside these thoughts by joking around. I’ve been good at making others laugh throughout my whole life and making myself known (for those who surround me) for never taking anything serious. As I grew up, I focused for most parts on prioritising their smiles and their wellbeing so I wouldn’t think too much about mine. Though when I’m alone, my head isn’t busy with the thoughts of other people surrounding me, I’m left all alone with this unbearable feeling pushing me to think that I no longer matter, I only live based on other people’s attention.
Now, I’m more closer to 18 than I was to 9, meaning I’m becoming an adult and responsible. Though I always felt that way since I was a child, as mentioned I grew up with disabled grandparents, so that sense of responsibility never left. Nor did maturity, watching your grandmother alternate hospitals and realising who’s really taking care of you. Though now I’m currently living with my grandfather who’s now blind (since 2019) and my grandmother who still suffers daily.
Even though my mother came back and lives with us now, nothing changed. It doesn’t help living with someone who goes through “spiritual psychosis” (at least not to a worrying level), and prioritises an abusive man over her own child….or parents. It doesn’t help overhearing her wanting other children because you became too responsible, or you being an unexpected child. She doesn’t have a stable job either and spends the majority of her time on her phone texting how she craves the death of my grandparents or how I’m a bad child. I really don’t care about that, it’s not the main point.
What I am more focused on is how I’m aging into something terrible. I realised that the way I express myself towards others makes no sense, no one understands me anymore. I spend most of the times at home helping my grandparents, it makes me forget that real people exist outside. When I’m outside though? I can’t formulate words correctly even to merely defend myself in something so little and I end up crying like a bitch in front of their confused expressions, they don’t try to understand me. I don’t think I’m becoming introverted but something far different.
I managed to make one friend by losing another and I’m happy she’s still with me because she’s one of my main sources for being alive. I spend my time being lazy and finding ways to ignore this dreadful feeling of failure. Even though I’m 2 years clean from sh, I’m still depressed.
I realised that I spent more time on finding ways to end my life than to live it, and now even if I try my best to find something as a simple goal to keep this momentary breath of feeling alive, it’s to no avail. I feel tired when I wake up, most times in a state of derealization or just stuffing my face with food so I can feel something.
I’m becoming increasingly frustrated with my lack of intelligence, social status and looks. Every day I compare myself to others, I want to feel noticed aswell and not by humiliating myself. I also want to know what it feels like to fall in love or to be loved by someone else unknowingly. I’m sick of being treated badly by others because of my own lack of confidence and stupidity.
It doesn’t help either being religious (well now that I’m pushed more to the side of agnosticism). I say that it would’ve been more easier to commit if I didn’t have this underlying belief that I would end up somewhere far worse than where I am now. It’s like an internal combat, and I don’t even understand or try to comprehend if I’m really against someone or something, or if I’m completely lost.
I feel childish saying this but when my grandparents will be gone, I will have no one else around me. They’re the only ones who care about me, everyone else will have their own family to worry about and I will be all alone again. I don’t want to continue living already like this along knowing that one day, I will no longer matter for someone else. I know that I’ll meet death one day or another but I’m tired of being the first one to always initiate this date and for it to never work.
Thanks for listening!