Is this good for either of us, and worth keeping at?
I (31f) am a single parent and carer of a toddler. I didn't feel well enough to date for a long time. The last connection i had ended in physical and mental trauma, and i was just exhausted of all the flavours of unusal pain. But I got so lonely and longing for closeness. I struggle to relax and connect. I think I'm probably very difficult and I have a lot of baggage. But I connected with someone, lets call him S(42). We have been talking for a couple of months. I visited him for the first time 3 weeks ago, I had a few days of child care, so I spent them with S. It was confrontational, I realised how much I struggle with intimacy now. And although we had some beautiful closeness and a lovely time, i was distant and struggling internally. Since then we have both been busy, but we have chatted every day, and video called here and there. And then arranged for me to see him again a few days ago. I just got back home from that visit and my head is so messy.
We drank together and did cocaine on the first night. It was messy, we both became very talkative and confusing. Every time i told him something, he assumed i was double speaking and using stories to get a point across to him. The second day, I woke up and I could tell he didn't even want to look at me. So I started to panic and made arrangements to leave ASAP. When I went to leave, he asked me just to stay for a little longer to talk. We talked. Basically he said he didn't expect to see me again. He thought that our first meeting lacked potential for future. The paranoia about the things I say being "double speak" is destructive for him and makes me feel hopeless. I can't convince someone that what I'm saying is ... just what I'm saying, where do I start?
It's isn't even just this. I think we need different things. His need for a strong sensual woman intimidates any feminine strength in me. I think I'm actually too mentally unwell and traumatised. Like. I tried it, the evidence is saying ... just stop.